I Shot the Albatross

Tne Albatross Sleeps the Night

2009-11-24T04:29:00.004-05:00

For my 200th post I am announcing that I am no longer shooting albatross.

I'm writing on another blog.

jimeustice.wordpress.com

Hope to see you there.
It's been a blast.

Puppies.

2009-09-03T13:19:00.003-04:00

Puppies are undeniably cute. Especially French bulldog puppies.
Videos of puppies doing things...it can be anything really...are cute.

Undeniably.

But...isn't it kind of sick that whoever shot this video decided to shoot the video instead of...i don't know...helping their dog roll over?

Am I wrong?

That's My Philosophy

2009-09-02T11:42:00.001-04:00

I think college would have been much more unpredictable and scary if we all had three or four professors like this or this.

I did have a philosophy professor who scared the shit out of everybody, intimated he may have been tortured, smoked and held a pipe during class and may have been involved in amatuer kickboxing. He kind of looked like Sagat from Street Fighter II without the eyepatch. I've never seen the two of them in the same place at the same time...so let's just say that Sagat tought me philosophy.

You'll Never See This Face Again

2009-09-01T16:54:00.002-04:00

I love this kid because he's taking things so seriously. I just want to shake some sense into him and tell him to chill out. I really can't help laughing at him. Kids are cute that way, when they're acting like they're really going to run away.

I almost ran away when I was about that age, but I only made it to between the two cars in our carport. I think my parents, after realizing that I wasn't lost forever, had a nice laugh about it.

The Easter Bunny

2009-08-26T08:44:00.002-04:00

I found this video on fark and I thought it should be shared with the world. I'm amazed that it's not staged. The woman who is being interviewed is either a extremely crazy or a genius of the highest caliber.

You decide.

2009-08-24T15:26:00.002-04:00

Dear The Economist,

What's so great about Pittsburgh?

Love,
Jim

2009-08-18T15:45:00.002-04:00

I received an email from Netflix reading:

For Wednesday, August 19: Repulsion

Now I knew it meant that I was receiving the 1965 Polanski film, but I was kind of amazed that sometimes Netflix could also predict what I'm going to be feeling about my life on a given day.

I hope sometime in the near future it's less Repulsion and Life on Mars and more Happy Go Lucky.

Bad Moon Rising

2009-08-14T11:47:00.003-04:00

Tracy: Oh my god, Lexi, did you SEE the new trailer for New Moon? It looks so good!!

Lexi: Is it on the interwebz??? Show it to me.

(They watch the trailer. Tracy's squees drown out most of the audio. The trailer ends.)

Tracy: Didn't that look amazing??? With Jasper all losing his shit over Bella's paper cut? And Edward totally saving her? I wish there were guys like that. I wish my boyfriend would stop punching me in the calf. That asshole should be more like Edward.

(Pregnant Pause)

Lexi: What? Does Paul hit y-

Tracy: No. Forget it.

Lexi: Okay. Because if he is, that's really messed up.

Tracy: (rolls eyes at Lexi) Whatever. Didn't you just love that though? I can't wait to see it!

Lexi: (nonplussed) Yeah. Yeah, I guess it was pretty cool. The part where Edward saved Bella. That was interesting.

Tracy: And the part where Jacob saves Bella from that asshole, Laurent? How AMAZING WAS THAT!!!?

Lexi: Yeah, that was alright, I suppose....but...

Tracy: What?

Lexi: Nothing. It's nothing.

Tracy: No, what's wrong?

Lexi: Well...I was just thinking about that. About all of it.

Tracy: I know...THOSE ABS! He's so h-

Lexi: No...no, not about that. I mean, yeah, he's hot, but that's not what I was thinking about.

Tracy: What is it, Lex?

Lexi: Well...it's kind of a problem I've been having with the whole Twilight series.

Tracy: Twilight doesn't have problems, Lexi. It is perfect.

Lexi: Yeah, I know that, but...

Tracy: But what, Lex? But what?!

Lexi: What do vampires hate?

Tracy: Garlic.

Lexi: And?

Tracy: Wood through the heart?

Lexi: Yes, which makes me wonder why they cast Kristen Stewart as Bella. But I digress...what else do they hate?

Tracy: Bitches who question the integrity of Twilight?

Lexi: I mean...maybe they hate that, too. But what's the biggy? The major thing that defines vampires across the wide spectrum of vampires stories? What are they all afraid of?

Tracy: The sun?

Lexi: THE SUN! Good! So...

Tracy: So what?

Lexi: Work with me, Trace. So...the vampires in Forks love the sun?

Tracy: No, they hate it, too.

Lexi: And Laurent? Does he hate it?

Tracy: Of course...

Lexi: What did you notice about the fight between Laurent and Jacob?

Tracy: Jacob's rockin' abs. How he ferociously protected Bella?

Lexi: You're close. What else?

Tracy: They were in a forest?

Lexi: And?

Tracy: And...Jacob has amazing abs?

Lexi: What time of day was it?

Tracy: Midday, I guess. I dunno. Not night, not dusk, not dawn.

Lexi. Exactly. EXACTLY.

Tracy: So what?

Lexi: Well...let's ignore the fact that Jacob changed himself willingly, without a full moon. Big deal. The part I can't get past is that Laurent is walking around in the middle of the day without any problem.

Tracy: It's cloudy.

Lexi: Really? Seriously, Tracy? The answer to the biggest problem vampires have ever faced is to move to a place where it is constantly overcast?

Tracy: Makes sense to me. No sun, no problem.

Lexi: Let me ask you something: are there plants and trees in Forks?

Tracy: Dude...they're fighting in a forest.

Lexi: So that must mean...

Tracy: That the woods block out the sun even more.

(beat)

Lexi: PHOTOSYNTHESIS! IF THERE ARE TREES, THEY MUST HAVE PHOTOSYNTHESISED SUNLIGHT INTO ENERGY! THE SUN!

Tracy: You can photosynthesize my ass, Lexi. New Moon looks awesome.

Lexi: Except that it was written by people who don't understand the most basic biological process?

Tracy: It's just a movie.

Lexi: Whatever. You're just a movie.

Tracy: Jacob is really hot, though, right?

(pause)

Lexi: (heavy sigh) Yeah...Yeah he's really hot.

fin

Righting the Ship

2009-08-13T11:34:00.003-04:00

People are downright OUTRAGED with Obamacare and even his supporters are starting to question his motives, efficacy and foresight.

So, if the detractors know so much about such a complex issue as health care reform, one question lingers on my mind.

Where the hell have you been for the past 8 years, when the previous administration thought it would be a good idea to mix out-of-control spending with irresponsible tax cuts? Why wasn't there mainstream uproar about that?

What the Obama administration is not trying to do is bilk you out of your hard-earned money. What the current administration is doing is reconciling the past 8 years of financial incompetence that had become the norm.

Maybe the public really does want Mr. Obama to look the other way, play golf and make us believe that we're still safe, happy, healthy and rich. Maybe it's better for morale to ignore the financial crisis and the fact if we do not reform health care it's going to be so much worse for our children and grandchildren (because that's who we're concerned for, right?). Maybe it's good for the country that the President, the man who is supposed to make the tough decisions, avoid them until he absolutely has to face them.

Or maybe we should trust that the current administration is staffed with people who know more about the problem than we do ad we should listen to what they are trying to tell us. We need to make recompense for the missteps we have allowed to be made for the past eight years.

Mad Men

2009-08-12T11:23:00.001-04:00

The Countdown Begins!

August 16th. Watch it.

Blockbuster Exclusive

2009-08-11T16:38:00.004-04:00

I was in the local Blockbuster today for the new releases and I overheard a guy and his kid talking about which movie would be suitable and kid-friendly enough to see.

The kid was hell bent on seeing Obsessed, a Fatal Attraction ripoff starring Stringer Bell, Sasha Fierce and Niki Sanders, but his father (rightfully so, I suppose) wouldn't let him see it because it was too adult. It certainly is too "adult" for kids, but this kid was relentless.

"But it's about an affair and murder and things. You don't want to watch that stuff."

So what movie does the father suggest?

Maybe a fun, family-friendly animated adventure like Bolt? Or the mediocre Race to Witch Mountain?

No. Of course not.

"Why don't we rent Watchmen? Isn't that the newest kids movie?"

He suggests Watchmen, which is not only rated R, but is also, to an extent, about an affair and murder and things.

The kid ended up with The Fast and Furious, which I suppose is a decent compromise. What bad could come from that movie? Other than maybe learning at an early age that circumventing the law is acceptable and often rewarded with fast cars, loose women and ball-rockin' soundtracks...

I'm not asking for everybody to be as in the know as I am when it comes to film, but paying attention for five seconds might help, especially when you're trying to rear a child.

Appalachian St. QB sidelined with mowing injury

2009-08-07T15:22:00.002-04:00

Appalachian St. QB sidelined with mowing injury

Posted using ShareThis

One more reason JMU is better than App St.
We don't lose players to mowing injuries.

Just sayin', Mountaineers. Just sayin.

Conversations I Wish I Could Have Had, Part 2

2009-08-06T14:59:00.002-04:00

I went to the doctor's office this morning to check on this abdominal discomfort I've been feeling for about a fortnight. I know I should have gone sooner, but it wasn't painful...so I waited a while.

She told me that she thinks I'm just kind of clogged up and that I need a cleanse. I told her that I shower at least every day, realizing, of course, that it was not my epidermis that needed cleansing, but my...how to put this delicately...my alimentary canal.

So I went to CVS and picked up a cornucopia of tools, elixirs and pills meant to facilitate the kind of cleanse my doctor had prescribed. I went to the front of the store and bought my cure, under the gaze of furrowed brows and veiled smirks from those behind and in front of me.

I really wish I had said this:

Me, to the check-out woman: I know what you're thinking.
Check-out Woman: What's that?
Me: You're thinking that this guy (insert pregnant pause, point to self for emphasis) this guy is going to have an amazing weekend.

But, of course, I bought my expensive laxatives and went on my way.

Warren Moon

2009-08-05T14:46:00.002-04:00

Heard on ESPN:

Sportscaster: Here's is Hall of Famer Warren Moon, author of the new book Never Give Up on Your Dream. What's your message with this book, Warren?

Really?
Maybe his message is that there's no place like home.
Or that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Or that an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Or maybe his message is that you should NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR GODDAMN DREAMS!

Come on, ESPN.

Conversations I Wish I Could Have Part 1

2009-08-05T14:25:00.002-04:00

Sometimes somebody will say something to me and my immediate instinct is to respond with something snarky or uncouth.

This is one of those times.

This is a conversation I wish I could have on facebook.

Person from Past: I went horseback riding in the Estonian countryside today. What did you do today?
What I'd Like to Say: I defriended you, that's what.

But I didn't do that. Maybe I should have. I have "known" this person for about 25 years, although only peripherally for the past 15. It doesn't help her cause that she stopped talking to me because she was afraid I was going to rape her while we walked home from school. Middle school. Because all I could think about in middle school was forcing myself onto a marginally pretty girl I'd known since kindergarten who was also dating a 6'3" 13-year-old.

If I had a time machine, before going back in time to slap the first McDonald's burger out of my hand, I'd go back to middle school to tell that girl not to flatter herself.

Middle school was really, really bad. I liked high school because I fell into a crowd of kindred spirits, but middle school was the worst.

I Had the Time of My Life

2009-08-04T15:40:00.002-04:00

After seeing this, I now like Charlyne Yi, Channing Tatum and Dirty Dancing!

Way to go, whoever made this video.

2009-08-03T15:13:00.002-04:00

I got a new car yesterday.

Well...new to me. And it's not exactly an unfamiliar model.
It's pretty much the same car, just a newer model, less miles on it and some nice little bells and whistles.

It's not a sexy car and I wouldn't call it "cherry" (I would never call anything but the fruit that, though), but I like it.

Even if the brakes seem to be made entirely out of Sean Cassidy's vocal chords.

Making Pancakes

2009-07-29T09:15:00.002-04:00

Okay...Megan Fox can wait for a second...
This morning was my first attempt at making pancakes from scratch. I've made harder things before and they have always come out tasting good, so why not give pancakes a go?

Who screws up pancakes?

I do, that's who.

But they're pancakes! They're so easy!
Who cares if I was missing half a cup of flour?
Who cares if there is a hot spot on the griddle?
Who cares if the batter is too thin?

They were bad. So bad.
Too thin. Too fluffy. No substance.

They exist in direct and brazen defiance of God's will. Another gustatory mystery has eluded me: first nutella, now pancakes.

Enlightenment

2009-07-27T12:58:00.003-04:00

Being unemployed at the moment has been very enlightening, which is a double-edged sword: it's nice because I'm thinking and doing things that gainful employment has prevented me from doing, like becoming more enlightened.

Too bad enlightenment won't pay my shockingly high mobile phone bill.

Enlightenment 1:
Why aren't we all wearing men's bathing suits instead of regular clothing? My bathing suit is the most comfortable piece of clothing I own. So why are we worrying about silly things like underwear when we could make all of our clothing like a bathing suit?

Enlightenment 2:
Cars have to be up to a certain standard before they are sold, but what is stopping us from being able to create our own car? Following certain standards and constraints, shouldn't we be the ones to decided what bells and whistles we have and how big or small our interior is? How has this technology not been invented? I know you can "build your own" car on most automobile websites, but it's not really the same as actually designing your own car. We should be able to do this.

Enlightenment 3:
If spiders are so necessary to our way of life (they say that if spiders didn't exist, we'd be inundated with other insects), isn't there a way to genetically mutate them so that they don't look so gross and creepy? Like...could be make them look like tribbles? I'm convinced that tribbles are really future spiders that have been mutated to look less icky. Insects are dangerous and annoying, so I don't want to make spiders less lethal to them, but I'd like to make them a little more nice looking. If only because they are really interesting and I'd like to read about them on wikipedia, but I can't because of the pictures. I may have a phobia.

Enlightenment 4:
Megan Fox is too hot. More about this tomorrow.

Feel the Magic

2009-07-24T19:09:00.002-04:00

George Sherrill, the closer for the Baltimore Orioles, is the subject of many trade rumors because teams still in contention for the playoffs want his able pitching arm. They think it will give them a better opportunity to win.

It certainly should. George Sherrill has been one of the few consistently good things about the Baltimore Orioles of late and would certainly bring his work ethic, willingness to pitch in whatever situation necessary and his clubhouse presence to the highest bidder. He's arguably one of the reasons the Orioles are 41-53 and not, oh I don't know, 28-67. Will he win a team the World Series outright? No, of course not; but he would certainly help.

The Orioles are a rebuilding team and have been for about 3 years, having moved up from perennial cellar-dweller, a position they have held since the Maier Incident happened in 1996. They're still dwelling in the cellar, but...you just wait...whether it's their stockpile of young talent in the minors or the equity of fate they have built up over the years, I am sure that the Orioles will be a first place team in the near future (we're talking like 3 or 4 years, folks).

So when Sherrill says that he wants to be a part of the impending resurgence of Orioles Magic, can you honestly afford to trade him? I say that if he wants to stay, keep him. Am I crazy about this?

Razzzberries!

2009-07-23T16:11:00.007-04:00

One of the more bizarre pieces of ephemera that I have seen on the interwebz is that Carol Channing might be the subject of a biopic. This news leaves me pleased as punch, young man.

I have an inexplicable and slightly creepy ardor for all things Channing. You see, she played a prominent role in my childhood. In the early 80s, the suits at Big TV thought it would be a dandy idea to make a campy, creepy adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. It was split into two made-for-TV movies, one a straight adaptation in the vein of the 50s Disney cartoon and the second, where Alice goes through the looking glass. Anybody who has seen it can attest to the low quality of the first part and the high quality of the second. It stars Channing and Ann Jillian as the White and Red queens, respectively, along with Patrick Duffy, Red Buttons, Karl Malden, Pat Morita, John Stamos, Sally Struthers...hang on, I've lost my breath...Johnathan Winters as Humpty Dumpty and more. AND MORE AND MORE! Is that something you might be interested in?

Here's one of the reasons why I love Carol Channing and this adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. Just watch, especially the end:

See? Amazing, right? Who knew Alice would find out that Carol Channing is either a creepy shapeshifter like Sam Merlotte or, quite possibly, in league with the devil. Either way, her presence leaves me in shock and awe. We should have sent Carol Channing to find bin Laden. She would have put on her Sunday clothes, blown rasberries at those terrorists and given them a thoroughly modern ass-kicking.

Because Carol Channing doesn't get beat.

She gets mad!

When speculation that she'd have a biopic made about her, I thought "Of course!" Then I read this article in which Channing approves and endorses Johnny Depp's desire to play her. I nearly lost my mind. Johnny Depp as Carol Channing?

YES! A MILLION TIMES YES!

Don't stop believing, people. Let's make this happen by making our voices heard around the globe. We want this movie. We neeeeeeeed this movie.

Or else Carol will get us all...

Susan the Gardener

2009-07-22T21:46:00.005-04:00

I heard Meredith Viera's interview with Susan Boyle and a lot was being made about how courageous and uplifting her story is and while it is a legitimate nice story, are we maybe taking things a bit far? This thing happened months ago.

Pretty soon she's going to be meeting with Warren Buffett and Barack Obama for her advice on foreign and economic policy, being treated as some kind of king maker. Or maybe she'll meet with Melvyn Douglas and Jack Warden. And then, when her rich benefactor shrugs off his mortal coil, Susan Boyle will bid farewell to the public, umbrella and valise in hand, and walk across a pond, into the blue, cloudy firmament as Barack Obama states that life is just a state of mind.

I'm not hating. Susan Boyle should be given credit where it is due, but lets not lionize the woman yet. I'm just saying...I already saw that movie and Susan Boyle...she ain't no Chance Gardiner.

The Cure for a Bad...Month

2009-07-22T14:50:00.004-04:00

2009-07-20T20:56:00.003-04:00

I'm not much into celebrity gossip or who is dating whom, but when I heard that Michael Cera is dating Charlyne Yi, I couldn't help thinking one thing.

It's not because of her looks: I'm not personally attracted to her, but she's pretty, albeit unconventionally. It's her shtick. GQ describes her as awkwardly self-amused and the description seems apt. I describe her as annoying. I guess that's why I don't work at GQ, among many other reasons.

I don't know...something about her.

Infinite Jest

2009-07-14T13:07:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure why David Foster Wallace, one of America's preeminent novelists, killed himself last year.

Hell, I'm not entirely sure why
anybody kills themselves...life just seems way too precious, no matter how shitty it can get sometimes.

I've read that he suffered from severe depression and my sincere hope, even though I didn't know the man, is that he found some kind of peace in death.

He wrote a novel called Infinite Jest that is, apparently, very difficult to finish.

Now that I'm a man of leisure (hopefully not for long...I do love that paycheck), I've decided to take the Infinite Jest challenge. I've tried reading difficult novels (Foucault's Pendulum, Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake) with very little success. I have a feeling that getting through Wallace's 1079-page tome is going to be difficult, but I need to do this.

Who's comin' with me?

2009-07-13T15:56:00.003-04:00

Manny Acta, until last night, was the manager of the woefully bad Washington Nationals. After a 26-61 start, Acta was fired.

The man who fired him, Mike Rizzo, is quoted as having said:

We feel that the team has underachieved,...[w]e feel we have a better ball club than we've shown on the field...[w]e feel with a different voice and possibly a different feel in the clubhouse that we can have a more successful second half of the season.

So...if you want a change in tone in the clubhouse, why would you hire your bench coach, Jim Riggleman, who doesn't exactly have a winning record either?

Jim Riggleman, whose high school I've been to (it's in Rockville, so it automatically sucks), values discipline over Acta's patience and positive reinforcement. If you were one of the Nationals' young pitchers, which would you prefer? If morale is already low, how can it help to take away the patient, level-headed optimist?

How does it help Acta to scorn free agency? How would a few veteran pitchers helped in the starting rotation and the bullpen? Sure, the hitting in Nationals Park is fine, but what does that matter when they don't have pitchers that can keep the opposing team from scoring 7 runs?

Manny Acta never had a chance. That's why I can't get behind the Nationals. The team's leadership continues to sell a horrible product. I feel sorry for the Nationals fans because they've been starving for a team for decades and now the get this: all-around disarray and incompetence.

I've Made a Horrible Mistake

2009-07-10T15:51:00.003-04:00

Step 1:
Resign from current position that is making me miserable and ask for a new one, without much certainty of getting it.

Step 2:
???

Step 3:
Fame, fortune, a happy love life, a nice home, a place in the annals of Western Civilization

Got step 1 out of the way today.
Now...let's make step 3 happen.

Who's comin' with me?

Captain Planet Drives a Humvee

2009-07-09T16:49:00.002-04:00

Ever wonder what your favorite cartoons are like off-screen?

Me too, America.

Me too.

Thanks to the fine people of Cracked.com, we now know some dirty secrets.

I do question Cracked's judgement of Steamboat Mickey. He is the following list twice and the lower offense seems much more serious that the higher one, ranked number 3...but maybe it's not.

You be the judge.

25 Awful Secrets of Your Favorite Cartoon Characters

Scott Kazmir's Underpants

2009-07-08T17:58:00.003-04:00

I went into a local comic book/card store.

I don't think the guy had any good comics and had, maybe, a few great sports cards.

But the guy was speaking some kind of Eastern European language to someone on an old cell phone and called me "buddy", so I had to buy something. I wanted to wake up with both of my kidneys, after all.

So I bought some packs of cards: 4 old 1990 basketball cards, 2 packs of opeechee hockey cards and 2 packs of new Upper Deck baseball cards.

The basketball cards and hockey cards were a waste of time, but boy am I glad I bought the baseball cards because I got my first memorabilia card!

That's a card with a piece of game-used material in it...like a uniform or a bat.

So now I'm the proud owner of a piece of Scott Kazmir's uniform.

Now...who wants to touch me?

First Time Shame on You, 900th Time Shame on Me

2009-07-07T16:13:00.002-04:00

Marion Barry arrested

At what point is this headline going to stop being news?

2009-07-06T19:05:00.002-04:00

Errol Morris' documentary The Fog of War teaches us a good lesson.
In the documentary, Robert McNamara imparts on the audience a glut of learned knowledge, mostly about war, but, perhaps metaphorically, about life as well.
The most striking thing about the documentary is how penitent McNamara comes across for having drafted the blueprints of the Vietnam War.
He seemed regretful for having gotten the country into such a monumental pickle. Of course, to say that he "got us into it" is a gross simplification of such a complex event, but...for the sake of argument.

I think one of the things McNamara was driving at is that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do for the greater good.
I think that's a fairly common belief.

But is it true? Do we really have to do so many things we don't want to out of necessity?

My job makes me want to drive into trees so that I can justify missing a couple days.
Do I need to stay at that job out of necessity?
Sure, I need the money.
But do I need it bad enough to trick myself into thinking there are no better options?

My friends and family all say that I need a job...and they're correct. Absolutely.

But do I need this one?
In this town?
At this pay grade?

My first reaction to those questions is a reluctant and weak yes, but after thinking about the question, I've come to the conclusion that all answers point in the direction of a giant, resounding, purple-neon-lighted no.

Why do we find so much comfort in the security of present conditions? Why do we feel the need to fall into place and live with discomfort or unhappiness?
Is the comfort really worth the pain?

Not to me, it's not. That's what I learned from Robert McNamara.

The Contender

2009-07-01T22:29:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite actors is Karl Malden. He brought a quiet intensity to every role I have seen him play...that is until he boils over with rage. He can go from zero to 60 in less time than a McLaren. Lead and character actors past and present owe a debt of gratitude to men like Karl Malden (and to a slightly lesser degree, Rod Steiger). He was never as famous as Brando or Heston, but in a lot of ways he could act circles around both.

My favorite Malden role was his turn as Archie Lee Meighan in the Kazan-directed, Tennessee Williams-written Babydoll. He plays a man who married the teenage Baby Doll and promises the girl's dying father that they will not consummate the marriage until she turns 20. It's a fantastic little film, as is the other Malden/Kazan/Williams collaborations.

Malden died today. He was 97.

"You want to know what's wrong with our waterfront? It's the love of a lousy buck. It's making love of a buck - -the cushy job - -more important than the love of man! "

The King of Pop

2009-06-30T19:41:00.000-04:00

There's a fairly vocal minority of people who are almost rejoicing in Michael Jackson's death. Even as I heard of his passing from my friend, my first reaction was disbelief and that led, immediately, to mockery. I'm not sure why, but I think it has to do with how immortal he has always seemed to me. I can't claim to be in awe of him like so many millions of fans were, but he never quite seemed of this world.

Of course, he came from the not-so-exotic Chicago neighbor Gary, Indiana and was borne to normal folk who looked at their brood of talented musicians and saw something special, something revolutionary. He went from being a star in a boyband to being an adult icon seamlessly.

Yet there are those of us who demonize him and cast his career asunder because of his alleged indiscretions. I'm not here to speculate the chances that he was guilty of some kind of sexual misconduct, or at the very least, something inappropriate. I'm reasonably sure that there were some shady doings going down in the Neverland Ranch and I can't help feeling awfully disappointed in Mr. Jackson.

But are we still unable to look at a person and judge him not on one (or two or three or etc) bad thing he did, but as a complex, multifaceted human being?

I could have sworn that we were past the Hawthorne days of pinning red letters into the bosom of wrongdoers. Didn't the Jules Dassin of the 50s sacrifice enough in the name of tolerance...or at the very least, open-mindedness?

The fact remains that Michael Jackson may have done some bad stuff, but can we really vilify him after we consider all of the good he has done? He tried to heal the world and make it a better place. For you and for me...and the entire human race. He was the voice of a generation and made people smile. Everywhere.

So before you cast a stone, remember that schadenfreude isn't enough to rejoice a man's death and ask yourself how well you personify perfection in the way you expected it from Michael Jackson. Think on all of the people you may have disappointed or wronged or hurt. Think about the promises you never fulfilled. Think of all of the bad stuff you have done.

Then...after you take stock of your life in that context, ask yourself one question:

If your legacy was being determined for perpetuity, your strengths and weaknesses not withstanding, wouldn't you want to be judged based on both? So let's give The King of Pop a break and allow his legacy neither entirely good nor entirely bad, but complex, fuzzy and messy like everybody else.

5 More!!

2009-06-24T18:58:00.002-04:00

So The Academy has added five more nominees to the Best Picture Award.

This is great news. There many years when I have agreed with the winner, let alone the five nominees, so hopefully this will open things up a little bit. Maybe we'll see some foreign, animated and documentary films being nominated. Either way, it's a surefire way to ensure that the Academy Awards mean something again.

So since I'm a giant film dork, I'm going to write a megapost about what the Oscars should have been, starting Monday.

Get excited.

In the mean time...

Changes of Venue

2009-06-23T19:22:00.001-04:00

Richmond sounds like a good place to be right now.

Ne-Yo Soul

2009-06-22T11:15:00.002-04:00

I obtained the latest Ne-Yo album about seven months ago, but never listened to anything from it until I recently put one of his songs on a mix I made for the drive up to Pennsylvania this past weekend.

The song is called "Part of the List"; it's kind of a run-of-the-mill love song, but I don't think Ne-Yo (who co-wrote the song) takes himself so seriously that he has to write about how much he "loves his shorty" or how "fine his bitches be". What is so interesting about this song is that Ne-Yo comes off so vulnerable singing it and how this song is so dissimilar to the current urban music zeitgeist of clockin' bitches and pullin' hoes. It's not that there's anything particularly wrong with that machismo and jocularity, but it seems disingenuous for a famous pop star singing or rapping about how pimp he is because he sleeps with so many women. Of course you do: being able to sleep with whomever one likes is one of the fringe benefits of having such vast exposure.

The song evokes emotions that haven't been willfully evoked by many pop stars in decades. I'm not saying that Ne-Yo is a modern day Al Green, nor am I claiming that he's an important artist...

But this song...this song is great. If this one song is indicative of the quality of the whole album, (which I recently purchase...just to make things legit) then the nomination it received for the Album of the Year at the Grammys is well-deserved.

The video is pretty interesting, too. I wonder if the videos from his current album are telling a linear narrative, because the end of this video seems to be abrupt and really needs to lead somewhere.

Check it out and get to know Ne-Yo and this song before it becomes one of the biggest hits of the summer.

Make 'Em Laugh: 6/17/09

2009-06-17T19:15:00.002-04:00

I haven't seen something so sublimely hilarious in a long time.

Yes, it's simple; no, it's not high concept.

But it is really, really funny.

Enjoy.

Sarah Wailin' Palin and Her Wah-Wah Band

2009-06-16T19:08:00.003-04:00

One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.

I dunno...I lol'ed.

Alex Rodriguez is a noted Lothario.

Sarah Palin has a daughter who was impregnated.

Seems like a fine joke to me.

The Iran Situation

2009-06-15T17:58:00.003-04:00

I don't have a strong affiliation to Iran: my aunt's first husband was Iranian, so I guess I could kind of claim the Iranian struggle for freedom as my own, but not really. Who am I kidding? I'm a white guy from suburban DC who hasn't known in his whole life the troubles that your typical Iranian person experiences in a day.

But I feel as though I understand the Iranian youth face and I have to tell you...election fraud ain't gonna help one bit.

If the Supreme Leader wasn't so supremely idiotic, he'd get to the bottom of the election quick because if he stands in the way of progress, no matter how small, he's going to get steamrolled.

I'm not the expert, though, so check out this commentary from Fawaz A. Gerges, who is much more knowledgeable (and rockin' that mad unibrow) on the subject.

Commentary: Iran's hardliners are the real losers

courtesy of CNN.com

On Bigotry

2009-06-12T18:18:00.000-04:00

Nobody raised their hands, so...here goes!

Disclaimer: If you are an unstable anti-Semite or white supremacist, let me preface this with two things.

You can think whatever you want. That's the power of the United States. I just think you'd be better served not prescribing to hate.
My thoughts probably are not worth your anger...so please don't make any threats of bodily harm. It's just not worth it to you. Trust me. Why would you threaten me knowing that it could lead to jail time...which probably leads to loss of freedom, self-respect (which is already running on fumes) and might lead to prison rape. So let's keep it civil and keep our hands to ourselves.

I don't really understand modern antisemitism.

Correction: I guess I don't understand any antisemitism, especially the modern incarnation. I should clarify that I don't think the tension between Palestinians and Israelis is antisemitism; I think both parties dislike each other independently of religion. Back to the topic at hand.

I was reading the web page of the scumbag who shot up the Holocaust Museum and the rhetoric he uses is ridiculous. He writes stuff like the "JEW CONSPIRACY to destroy the White gene-pool".

Who reads that and thinks "you know what...I think this guy's on to something"?

Or maybe it's the clever and subtle capitalization of "JEW CONSPIRACY" that does the trick.

Really, though, it shows you that this man has a certain audience in mind and may be part of that audience himself.

That audience, of course, is comprised by lazy-thinking, pig-ignorant misanthropes who have nothing better to do than blame all of their problems on Jews or Blacks or whatever minority has wronged the white man. It's not even that the anti-Semitic "school" of thought (in this context, I use the word school and thought very lightly) is lazy or ignorant or disgusting.

Sure, those things thoroughly damn anti-Semitism (and white supremacy), but there's something more subtle and subversive about it that bothers me.

It's just that it's such a...weak way of thinking.

Maybe I just have an extremely internal locus of control, but I believe that things, both bad and good, happen to me as a result of my own actions or thinking. I can't imagine what state my life would have to be in for me to want to blame other people for my problems, let alone Jews and Blacks. It reeks of one of the most underrated current problems in our country: a severe lack of perspective.

So to any budding white supremacists reading, take a step back for one second and examine your life. There is no conspiracy. Nobody is trying to ruin your life. You're only being fooled by the extremists writing this stuff. You're being manipulated into thinking that your problems are someone else's responsibility and, in turn, that you are powerless to fix your own life. If you continue thinking your powerless to change your life for the better, you're going to end up alone, dependent on others, in jail or dead...

You are wasting your time with these hateful, fear-mongering bigots. You could be doing

something much more productive, like your homework. Or hugging your goddamn parents. Or...or playing Call of Duty!

Trust me...as someone who had been briefly and superficially caught up in that spiral of fear and hate, I can tell you that this is not the way to a good life. You're stronger and smarter than this.

2009-06-10T20:09:00.002-04:00

I was going to write a long entry about my feelings for white supremacy (it's saved and ready to post), but I just kind of got cold feet.

So...show of hands...how many of you readers are unstable white supremacists?

10 Years Ago

2009-06-09T18:18:00.003-04:00

A friend told me this afternoon that today, ten years ago, we were at DAR Constitution Hall walking across the stage, picking up a piece of paper that represented the culmination of thirteen years of education.

We left the building with smiles plastered on our faces, hopeful of the future to come. We'd just finished thirteen years of school: we could do anything. We would do anything. We were so sure of that.

But on reflection, ten years later, how is my life any different?

Sure...I graduated from college, traveled a little, had a few failed relationships and made a few really great friends, but honestly? How has anything changed?

And what happened to that huge reserve of hope?

Was it ever really there to begin with?

Everything Is Terrible

2009-06-08T18:18:00.001-04:00

I'm in the midst of a pretty huge shame-cycle/hangover after my latest idiotic wedding bender. I think it was mostly harmless...mostly...

But I'll write more about weddings tomorrow.

For now, notice the new link to your left, Everything is Terrible.

I stumbled upon it last night and fell instantly in love. It's a website that hunts down and exposed the wonderful, ridiculous videos from our recent past.

Check out some of the horrible videos and enjoy.

Longish wedding update tomorrow.

2009-06-05T19:57:00.002-04:00

I just don't have anything to write about today...so enjoy this video!!

I'm such a hack.

Did someone say they wanted a Mary Poppins remix courtesy of youtube musician Fagottron?

That just happened.

Seriously...something very substantial on Monday. Seriously.

Celebrity or Sleestak?

2009-06-04T16:45:00.002-04:00

This is the most fun game ever invented.

Back with something more substantial tomorrow.

Girls and Their Robots or How I Learned to Stop Worrying About My Life

2009-06-03T18:29:00.005-04:00

I think I'm at a stage of my life where I merely exist on this imperceptible pivot between youth and middle-age. I'm not really doing anything to pursue the dreams I had when I graduated college, nor am I doing anything to secure any of the hopes I had about my 30s and 40s.

I'm in this limbo where I'm too old to like the things kids like, but to young to settle for some of the things older people like.

That's why I'm always so ecstatic when a song or movie comes out that is fun and kitschy, but also mature enough for me to love.

Royksopp (royk-sopp...exactly as it's spelled) is a Norwegian pop/dance/electronic band that has been moderately popular in the States for a while now and is, probably, much more popular in Europe. On their most recent album they teamed up with fellow Scandinavian Robyn, who is, in my estimation, the greatest thing since sliced bread. I love her voice and the way she blends a cheekiness with her obvious talent. The song they made is called "The Girl and the Robot" and it's about...you guessed it...a girl and her robot. Not in a dirty way, fellas, but in a pining, yearning way that hasn't been heard with such a mix of earnest and silliness since Madonna. Early Madonna, like "Like a Virgin".

You don't need to be an unabashed fan of European electropop to like this song because it's one of those rare pop tunes that, like "Borderline", is too fun to dislike. I feel really sorry for you if you don't like it at least a little because I'm going to make this song huge if it's the last thing I do.

Here it is. It's safe for work, so crank it and spread it around your workplace like a cold. Unless it's against company policy to rock out. Then you better wait until you get home.

Text-booking

2009-06-02T19:07:00.003-04:00

On my way to and from work every day I pass a Montgomery County police station. For the most part, MoCo's finest have upheld the law with honor and pride, especially during the Beltway Sniper saga. They really held it together.

I live near a fairly recognizable park that may or may not have been the filming location to a very famous late-90s horror flick about a witch and three kids...you know the one...and sometimes we hear weird sounds at night. Sounds that are perfectly explainable in the daytime, but frightening in the night. Sometimes we end up calling our local neighborhood peace officer to check things out because...you know...they have high-powered flashlights and guns, while all I have is soggy pants and a high-power brain that tells me to let braver people poke around outside at night.

I feel comfortable and proud to say that the Montgomery County Police are patient, effective and make me feel safer.

Except when I drive by their offices and see a big electronic sign advertising their policy of accepting anonymous tips via text message. This seems like a good plan: hell, it is a good plan.

But wasn't texting while driving made illegal in Maryland?

(Yes.)

But...don't these police signs advertise law breaking then since the only way people see these signs is when they are driving?

You tell me.

It sure seems a bit fishy.

Hot Links

2009-06-01T18:36:00.004-04:00

Cheney says: "No Link Between Hussein and 9/11." 1.3 Million Dead People Ask: "WTF Dick?"

So...if there was no link...why did we go into Iraq? I've held out for a long time and supported going into Iraq, knowing full well that there was no link between 9/11 and Hussein, knowing full well that bin Laden considered Hussein an apostate and would never have collaborated with him...and I stood there defending that sham war because I thought we'd made a big mess and we ought to clean it up. Not for our good, but for the good of the Iraqi people. We went in there on a whim, duped by a half-baked lie that Iraq posed a threat to our national security, and we laid waste to the infrastructure of a whole country, leaving it vulnerable to poverty and extremism. I sure do hope in the next 30 years, me and mine don't reap what you played such an instrumental role in sewing, Dick.

When An Opposing Team Sees Matt Wieters Come Up To The Plate, There Is Crying In Baseball.

Matt Wieters is the biggest prospect for the Baltimore Orioles in a long time. There is a universal agreement that eventually he will be great. This is a website of Chuck-Norris-Like Facts about Mr. Wieters. My only hope in this world is that Matt Wieters lives up to half of the hype surrounding him. I've never felt this way about a young ballplayer. He's special already for galvanizing a fanbase and putting some seats in Camden Yards.

Susan Boyle in a Yorkshire Pudding and Other Celebrities

Yup. It's exactly what it says: Susan Boyle's face in Yorkshire Pudding. I think Puddin' Face Boyle is a pretty great gangster name. I digress...scroll down and check out the black-and-white photograph of the woman holding a tea cup. What celebrity is in that picture?

Scroll down and look into the most horrifying table known to man. The power of Christ compels yew! The power of Christ compels yew!

Are you an A-to-K Level Celebrity with a Pazzaropzi Problem?

CALL QUWEEN!!!

Katharine McPhee in Paparazzi Protection from Katharine McPhee

OH NOES! Cattack!

I found this link a week or so ago and it's kind of my go-to for when I'm feeling down. It really puts things in perspective for me. I may have troubles, but that cat just keeps on attacking that store, like a little engine who could. And it helps me to go on with my life and forget my problems. Maybe the genius who killed the abortionist in Kansas should have looked at this a little more instead of killing a person to further his message that killing is wrong. Maybe the cattack would have soothed his self-righteous hatred for this man who, by my own admittance, has a horrible job, but is just as deserving of his life as anybody else. I hate it when pro-life activists kill people, whether through death penalty activism or abortion clinic bombings or straight-out murder, because it makes their perfectly rational argument that abortion is wrong look so ridiculous. It's even more disgusting that some people are celebrating his death. Aren't you all supposed to be pro-LIFE?

To leave on a high note, here's a comedy troupe called Honor Student doing their best to educate us on the finer points of sport.

Take it away Coach Wiener

Consumerism

2009-05-29T20:41:00.002-04:00

I don't know what it is, but buying new stuff always makes me feel good.

Call it shallow. Call it whatever you want.

I couldn't agree more.

But my new phone is really, really sweet.

On SCotUS and Tokenism

2009-05-28T16:26:00.001-04:00

Orrin Hatch and many of the more vocal Republicans think that the President’s choice for the open SCotUS spot is another example of an unwanted liberal influence taking over the country. There seems to be a very palpable line of thought that Judge Sotomayor will use her considerable influence to sway the court toward an extremely liberal activism.

But how will she rock a boat that is already taking on water on its starboard side, submerged by the weight of the extremely conservative jurisprudence of Justices Scalia, Alito and Thomas?

Some are saying that President Obama’s decision is clouded by his desire to placate the Hispanic population. First, I think it’s worth mentioning that Sonia Sotomayor is a very smart person and seems to be able to uphold the law and precedence without letting her own opinions get in the way.

To say that Obama’s choice was based solely on race is ridiculous.

Not because it isn’t partially true, but because this certainly isn’t the first time it’s happened. Clarence Thomas was made an appellate judge against his wishes in 1989 and was, two years later, appointed as Thurgood Marshall’s replacement. George HW Bush said that Clarence Thomas was the only qualified black judge to take Marshall’s place.

Bush didn’t appoint Thomas in an attempt at tokenism. He appointed him because he was the most qualified: one of the prerequisites to getting the job seems to have been being black. Yes, Thomas has had to learn on the job a little, but he was a talented lawyer and politician before he was a judge. And he’s turned out to be a fine justice, maybe not as outspoken or popular as Scalia, but he hasn’t embarrassed anybody (like Harriet Meier might have).

Sotomayor’s being Hispanic is beyond the point. It doesn’t matter that she’s Hispanic: it matters that she’s the most talented and qualified. And in a time when the Hispanic population is growing exponentially, why shouldn’t the SCotUS be more representative of the population?

Goose Steppers

2009-05-27T18:51:00.004-04:00

I almost ran over a goose today.

I didn't mean to...well...

Maybe I kind of did. I didn't want to actually run it over, but it was crossing the street after work (after its work, not mine, obviously) and I really wasn't in the mood to watch its dumbass waddle across the road. So I sped up and almost nicked it before it slowly turned away from my soccermobile and I swerved the soccermobile into the next lane.

Naturally, the person in the opposite lane waiting for the goose to move honks at me and calls me an asshole.

So I stopped the soccermobile, got out and stabbed him in the throat with an old Husker Du cd, causing his candy apple gray blood to spray all over me and the goose! How can you blame me for flipping my wig? I was on my way to the zen arcade, then to the warehouse and I had to stop by the metal circus after that. Alas, I didn't get to go to any of those places. Everything falls apart, I guess. I guess tomorrow is a new day rising.

(See what I did there? Husker Du albums? Anybody? No?)

Okay...that was nonsense. I didn't kill the guy, but I was pissed. Not so much for being called an asshole, which has happened plenty of times (as I'm sure you can imagine), but for being made to feel as though I'm inferior to a goose.

There's no problem anthropomorphizing domestic animals like dogs or cats, but when we do it to wild animals we make a big mistake.

When I was a kid, I was chased and almost attacked by a goose.

If you want to anthropomorphize them at least do an accurate job at it.

Geese are assholes. They're greedy, they're mean, they're loud and they're stupid.

I don't care if they mate for life or if they migrate thousands of miles.

They're pests. That's why they are being culled.

So forgive me for almost running over a goose. They'd do it to us if they could.

And PS...if they wanted to cross the street, why not just fly?

RIGHT?!

Twitter

2009-05-26T19:03:00.003-04:00

I don't consider myself late to many things. I was listening to Lady Gaga seven or eight months ago before she was famous (or infamous: this crazy tart is pretty universally reviled. Still...her shit is catchy) and I was on facebook before most of my friends. I even turned 27 before a really large number of people.

See?

I'm with it. I'm up on things. I have my finger on the pulse of society.

So how come it's taken me so long to recognize the brilliance of Twitter?

I need to get with it and start Twittering. Wouldn't that be obnoxious and awesome of me?

Umm...Martin? Uhh...

2009-05-22T23:01:00.001-04:00

Jamie Foxx to play Frank Sinatra

Umm...April Fools?

2009-05-22T22:55:00.003-04:00

I like Jay Leno just fine.

Most of the time I prefer him to David Letterman, which among my friends would be somewhat taboo, but perfectly normal when one looks at Leno's ratings.

But tell me again why Leno gets an hour-long nightly show on NBC after Conan O'Brien takes over The Tonight Show?

Couldn't he just drift off into obscurity the way Carson did?

2009-05-19T15:56:00.002-04:00

Sometimes i just want to get away from everybody.

Just get on a plane to somewhere, maybe Cornwall...maybe Cork...and fly away and not tell anybody.

I'd tell my folks because I think they'd be kind of sick with worry, but nobody else.

If they wanted to talk to me, they could find me.

Notre Dame

2009-05-18T00:01:00.002-04:00

It seems to be so hard for the pro-life camp to understand that "pro-choice" doesn't mean "pro-baby-murder". When I say that I am personally against abortion (as in I would not want the woman I impregnated to abort our child), but that I'm also pro-choice (as in it's not my decision whether you want to have a baby or not: I wish you did, but again...not my decision) I get strange looks and I often hear that I can only either be for it or against it.

Like if anybody actually read what President Obama said regarding abortion in his commencement address at Notre Dame, he's actually trying to make progress in this tooth-and-nail fight. He's recognizing that both sides have strong opinions and valid beliefs, but also that each side clings to them with such steadfast stubbornness that they often dismiss the other side as murderers or ideologues.

And President Obama is saying that we're doing it wrong.

He's recognizing that abortion is never, ever going to be criminalized (nor should it be), but he's also trying to compromise by making it more desirable to bring a child to term and helping to avoid unwanted pregnancies to begin with through education (of course, a lot of pro-lifers are also for abstinence-only sex ed, so...they want to have their cake and eat it too).

Sounds like a pretty good compromise to me.

So, in light of the absolute I'm given any time I talk about abortion (that I either believe in it or not), I've come up with my own absolute:

If you're against President Obama speaking at anywhere or doing anything because he's pro-choice, you're a jerk. You just are. Sorry. He's trying to actually get something done with this divisive issue and you're protesting that...so you're a jerk. Mr. Obama said up front that we can either have a president that does something or one that doesn't.

Do you want 4 or 8 more years of one-sided political rhetoric instead of a thoughtful man who is trying his damnedest to do something good for this country? He could easily abuse his significant power, but he's listening to everybody and coming up with a plan that's good for everybody.

So keep protesting him. I'll still be here to call you a jerk.

Base Camp

2009-05-15T17:07:00.004-04:00

I think it's safe to say that the age of broad innovation is coming to a close or has already passed for most of the ways in which we express ourselves.

I'm listening to a piano concerto by a Russian composer and it's phenomenal. I loved it the moment I first laid ears on it.

But after the last gasps of innovation float from the dying lungs of film and television and as music's flaming corpse finally succumbs to the cold depths of some northern sea, what will come next?

Could that be what the Mayans were talking about when they said in 2012 we would undergo a great change? When the Lumiere Brothers first screened one of their moving pictures didn't the collective paradigm shift for the whole world? Is it possible that we have reached our culture zenith?

So...what's next?
What can we expect?
Or are we doomed to a future where quality is overtaken by quality?

Where is our next Rachmaninov?
Or Kandinsky.
Or Salinger.
Or Malick.

Who will save our souls now?

Eight is Enough

2009-05-14T17:14:00.003-04:00

Look...I'm not passing judgement on John, Kate or their unruly brood Pluseight. Their show is engaging enough (for a three-year-old) and I've watched it a few times.

But if I was John and I was around Pluseight and that shrewish ninny Kate, I'd have sought the wiles of another woman's bosom, too.

Just saying.

Back to Work!

2009-05-13T17:01:00.000-04:00

Today at work, a woman sat at the office phone talking to multiple representatives of a company she continued to say "stole her money".

And while I admire the woman's persistance (stick-to-it-tiveness, people? Persistance. PERSISTANCE.), I can't help but wonder if $7.95 was worth the effort.

I'll tell you one thing:

I was about ready to give her the money back myself if she would sit back in her cube, shut the hell up and finish her work.

2009-05-12T18:43:00.002-04:00

We think Hurricane Katrina was a disaster and to us, it was.

A year ago, today, an earthquake rocked (to borrow a much-used cliche) the Sichuan province, killing 69, 000 people. Three zeros after that 69. As in thousand. Sixty-nine thousand.

So imagine the current student bodies (approximately) of Duke University and the University of Michigan disappearing. You'd still have to add another 15,000 people to equal the number dead in that earthquake.

It killed so many people that it's no longer considered an earthquake. It's an Earthquake.

So the big question is this:

How big a leap did American society have to take that earthquakes, hurricanes, cyclones and other natural disasters seem to be considered more...inconveniences than legitimate life-changing events (with obvious exceptions)?

When Florida declares that a storm has such potentially dangerous after-effects that the government evacuates the area , we always hear of people staying in their houses to wait out the storm. How serious are earthquakes in Los Angeles? Or thunderstorms and floods in the DC area.

I remember when I was at school in Harrisonburg four or five years ago and we caught the tail end of a nasty tropical storm. My girlfriend at the time and I played in the rain. It was cool. Some kid felt the same way and went canoeing in a lake, but met his match and drowned. Except for that poor young man, it wasn't a big deal.

So how far do the less advanced countries of the world have to come technologically and socially that natural disasters is just a figure of speech? Because in China and other less-developed countries, these events that we think of more as annoyances really are disasters.

What has to happen for that to stop?

Chee-Zee Oh Oh.

2009-05-11T16:14:00.001-04:00

The other day I was at the rehearsal of a chorus that I’m in and Rachel Ray’s name came up. Immediately after her name was spoken, a cacophony of boos and hisses thundered down upon mine ears. I can’t say that I like Rachel Ray; I think she’s very…I’m aiming for delicacy…doable? Yeah. She’s very doable, she’s successful and she seems to have great taste in culture (if you pay attention, this becomes quite evident).

So why do so many people hate her?

What is there to hate about an ebullient, self-made media mogul who isn’t out to conquer the world, like Martha Stewart or Oprah, but more so to make our lives a little better: what is it?

Is there really anything to hate about her?

No, of course not. I feel like we collectively disdain her more because of who we are (or are not) than because of who she is.

She has it all together: a beautiful life, money, the ability to (within limits) do whatever she wants…

So is it just that we’re all really jealous of Rachel Ray?

I know I am.

Senator, just one more thing: love your suit!

2009-05-06T19:23:00.002-04:00

I watched The Silence of the Lambs last night for the first time in years.

I realize now, after years of film watching, that it is a flawless film. Nothing in this film is unnecessary. The script flows and sounds organic, as if these fully actualized characters were really speaking them. The camerawork is subtle, but interesting. The story is engaging. It's horrifying, but also, at times, hilarious and playful. It's well-cast...especially that under-appreciated Ted Levine as Jame Gumb. I am shocked that he never received any kind of critical praise or awards.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that The Silence of the Lambs is among the best American movies to come out of the 1990s...and one could make an argument that it is the best. I know...you're wondering how this could be better than Schindler's List. Well...as fantastic, innovative and important as Schindler's List is, The Silence of the Lambs never falters, especially not in the fantastic third act...unlike Schindler's List, which kind of buckles under the heavy onus of telling a Holocaust story without crossing the line between melodrama and drama. It's still a great movie, but it's not perfect. Not as perfect as The Silence of the Lambs.

First Editions

2009-05-05T19:20:00.003-04:00

Today I picked up a first edition copy of John Updike's S.

My library wisely sells old hardcovers for $1.

My library not-so-wisely sells old first edition hardcovers for $1.

A couple of months ago I picked up a copy of Garcia Marquez's Love in the Time of Cholera, which I already own in paperback, but...what the hell? It's a first edition.

And like any other collectible, it actually only has value to me and other collectors, but I think owning first editions is cool.

I understand that the library is happy making a buck off of a book that they probably got for free, but...why not capitalize on it more? Granted...it's just a minor Updike, but the Marquez should be worth something, right? Wouldn't the library benefit more by calling Sotheby's?

Mistakes Were Made

2009-05-04T19:02:00.002-04:00

A notice came in the mail today announcing that I had made a mistake on my income tax return forms.

Apparently, I forgot that the government owes me 300 more dollars.

Sorry, government. My fault. I'll try not to let it happen again.

2009-04-28T16:37:00.000-04:00

INTERNETS IZ DOWN.

PLZ STAY TOONED.

The Best Thing I've Seen All Day (Sort of NSFW)

2009-04-23T19:43:00.002-04:00

Thank you, Doug Roberts, for sharing this with me.
The world is a happier place because of it.

Getting Ready

2009-04-22T19:30:00.002-04:00

I have a problem.

Well, I have problems, but one seems to be a little more pressing.

I wake every weekday at 7am.

I don't leave the house earlier than 8:45.

It's not that I spend all of my time primping and preening.

As my father says, I'm a world class piddler.

In the morning, after my shower and before I leave I end up turning on the television while I'm clothing myself.

And what do you know?

The best movie ever ALWAYS comes on, so I'm forced to watch...until 9:15.

This morning is was In Bruges.

Yesterday it was Hot Rod.

I own both of those movies.

I OWN them.

Yet I still have to watch a little bit of them.

I have a problem.

Good share.

DC is the Most Depressing Sports City: Reason #48, 376

2009-04-21T20:54:00.003-04:00

After you start off your season losing ten of your first 12 games, how can things get any worse?

Oh.

This is how.

NCIS

2009-04-20T18:54:00.002-04:00

Excerpt of a conversation I keep hearing:

"Yeah, NCIS is so good! I love it because it's so innovative and different than every other show I've seen."

Full disclosure?

I think NCIS is a decent procedural that will be fondly remembered by its fans, who are rabid and legion, but by virtually nobody else. It's not a bad show, but it's not great.

So why do people think this show is so wonderful?

It's a rehash of the same characters as other shows, the same relationships and the same solutions to the same crimes. My parents watch it, but they never claim that they're watching something ground-breaking or mind-blowing.

This isn't like the time I slagged off Monk without watching it. I've seen NCIS many times and it's okay...so someone in the know, please tell me what the big deal is.

An Open Letter to Mr. Daniel Snyder

2009-04-17T19:12:00.003-04:00

Dear Mr. Snyder,

My name is Jim Eustice and I may have written an open letter to you before. I'm not the most rabid Redskins fan, nor am I the loudest or flashiest. In fact, I generally prefer watching the Skins in the privacy of my own home, barely clothed with a cool bottle of my favorite fermented beverage. If that makes my opinion less valid or me less of a fan, so be it.

But there's one thing I just have to say to you.

Let me preface that by explaining that I heard on the local news that there was a plan to trade this year's top draft pick and next year's in order to pick University of Southern California quarterback Mark Sanchez. I'll admit that in the previous two years Sanchez had very good numbers, ultimately leading his team to a crushing Rose Bowl victory over Penn State.

The problem is this, bud. Was Jason Campbell, our quarterback du jour, the problem? Or did he crumble last year because of an aging offensive line? Isn't that kind of why Portis' numbers start decreasing, too?

I'm not averse to a trade that can strengthen the offensive line. I even like Mark Sanchez, but if so much of football is contingent on the offensive line, what good is he? How is he any different than Jason Campbell in regard to the weak offensive line? Arguably, he's a better passer and a fresh start for Campbell and the Redskins might be exactly what the doctor ordered. What if Campbell was playing for Minnesota? I bet he'd do pretty well. Minnesota can afford to start sub par quarterbacks because...they have a great offensive line.

And while the Redskins did have a great line, age isn't doing anybody any favors.

To sum up my point, sir, I've included a picture.

That round thing to the right of the little bench?

That's a wheel. The Mesopotamians invented it thousands of years ago.

It still works great. In fact, you could say that they broke the mold when the first wheel was made. It was perfect.

Mister Snyder.

I beg you.

I implore you.

Stop trying to invent the wheel.

It's been done.

Trade some draft picks, but for God's sake...for ALL of our sake...please trade for something that will actually address the problems at hand. Please.

Thank you for your time, Mister Snyder, and if you ever need a general manager or...any kind of front office employee, really, keep me in mind.

I only hope that next week you don't make a gigantic gaffe.

Love you,

Jim Eustice

On Doug Roberts: A Reckoning Part 1 (Slightly Unsafe for Work)

2009-04-16T12:25:00.006-04:00

I've known Doug Roberts for a long time. There are some simple facts you should know about him, too.

One amazing thing about Doug is that he moonlights as a turtle prostitute. Don't ask me why he does it, but I speculate that it's neither the money nor the control that he's addicted to, but the thrill of it. I can't say that old lady excitement has sunk her talons into my shoulder, but she has a firm grasp on Mister Roberts.

He claims that he can quit whenever he wants, but I know that's a lie he's telling himself. Every time we watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I see a glimmer in his eye and a reminiscent smirk cracked on his face, I know the truth. Doug has fallen prey to these insatiable beasts.

It hasn't interfered with his life...yet. I just hope that when the cards drop (and they will!) that we'll be able to pick up the pieces.

I followed him one afternoon and snapped this photo, narrowly escaping with my life, so that you all would know the truth.

Keep your eyes peeled, dear readers. A friend's life may be at stake.

Bo Knows Bo

2009-04-15T18:59:00.005-04:00

Is it an act of treason to say that the new First Puppy is kind of ugly?

After watching a video of Bo and his Presidential entourage, I admit to falling a little bit in love with the ugly mutt.

I'm glad that Bo Obama is...wait.

Wait.

Bo Obama.

BoObama.

BOOBAMA!

It's like...like...boobs and Alabama!

Almost like boob-a-rama!

I think we should all welcome Boobama with open arms (especially you ladies).

As a silent representation of the Obama administration, you're tops.

Bears Will Be Bears

2009-04-14T18:21:00.003-04:00

Polar Bear Bites Berliner's Butt

I don't think it's a false generalization to state that females love cute animals. I'm not sure whether animals appeal to some primal, maternal desire present in all females or whether, you know, they just like cute animals.

It's fairly harmless. Nobody ever gets hurt because they love cute animals.

Except maybe in Berlin, where a grown woman scaled the protective barriers of the polar bear enclosure and got her self bit up. We usually hear about little kids naively going into animal exhibits or just plain falling in...but never a grown person.

I guess most people think of polar bears as big, cuddly fluffballs.

Even when they're growling they look pretty harmless.

They're not.

Just ask Antarctica's seal population.

The most interesting angle of this story is that Knut, the two-year-old polar bear of moderate renown, was two feet away from the attack. That Knut can't stay OUT of the news!

The media seems to be in agreement that this was a horrible tragedy and clearly another case of animals attacking, but when you examine what happen, ask yourself what the polar bear did wrong? If some dumb kraut climbed into my enclosure, I'd bite her ass off, too.

A New Beginning: Who I'm Not

2009-04-13T18:48:00.004-04:00

I've been a pretty loyal watcher of Saturday Night Live since I was in grammar school. It's never really been of great use to me other than shaping my sense of humor and, detrimentally, keeping me in on Saturday nights. I know that sounds pathetic, but I really love the show. I know it's been pretty bad up until very recently (Thank you, Lord, for Kristen Wiig), but every now and then something very funny will pop up.

Since I'm kind of starting anew with this blog, I thought I'd share one of the most recent, hilarious needles found in the large, mostly-unfunny haystack that was last week's Zac Efron episode. I had such high hopes for Efron because he's the purtiest girl I ever seen. Imagine my disappointment when Efron exhibited as much elan for sketch comedy as a corpse. Oh well.

The following video is a great example of what the blogosphere has become and what I try to avoid at all costs: a group of bitter people without enough mental wherewithal to see that they're really just jealous. Jealous of the talent that we celebrate in celebrities and of the success they have derived from it. Other than being a very well-constructed joke, the following video dubs the blogosphere a bunch of nasally-voiced, uninformed prigs who have to slag off other people to make themselves feel valid or smart. Snark is a weapon we use when we can't communicate why we don't like something. Snark is ignorant. Snark is passe.

Snark is boring.

Well, that's not who I'm going to be: I don't want to mock things or people. I will not compromise that for a more expansive readership or to make myself feel better. There is much more to culture than whether I think it is good or not. That attitude misses the mark.

Isn't it more interesting to examine why something is popular or why it is considered good? My goal has always been to get to the bottom of things: to find the truth behind culture and use that truth as a beacon in the foggy environs of the public discourse, like Diogenes with his lantern.

Am I always going to be right about the things I write about? Will I ever be right about them? Of course not. I recognize that everything I write is just as open to scrutiny as the things I am scrutinizing. I've written it before: I like those celebrity blogs and I read them sometimes.

But will I stoop to that? Can I afford to sacrifice my mind and creativity by pandering to the masses?

Bitch please.

Changes

2009-04-09T18:29:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure that anybody reads this anymore.

I can't say I blame them.

I don't keep up a very tight schedule.

But that changes now.
So if anybody still reads this, keep reading. It's a struggle to build a readership, but...changes are coming.

In the mean time...on this special sunny Maundy Thursday, enjoy this video.

Fear the State Senate

2009-04-06T23:14:00.003-04:00

I get that there is a large group of University of Maryland students that are upset by a state senator threatening to cut funding if a pornographic motion picture is shown on campus.

I get the issue: student's right to free speech without threat of consequences.

I agree that students' free speech should be protected under the First Amendment.

The bottom line, though, is that the students' Freedom of Speech is not being threatened, as obscenity is not protected under the First Amendment.

Sorry guys.

It's not moral for a senator to blatantly and cavalierly threaten a university based on his own moral hangups, but...it they want to win that war, they need to fight better battles.

Until Miller vs. California is overturned, or whatever SCotUS does to reverse decisions, the University of Maryland's refusal to show pornography is not only legal, but it's also the only prudent thing to do. The state really could cut funding to the school. Would they? I doubt it. But they certainly could.

So, maybe instead of bellyaching about not being able to show pornography on campus, maybe we should all be looking for something a little more productive to fight for. This just makes the exceptional students of the University of Maryland look like spoiled idiots.

Werner Her-ZING!

2009-04-02T18:55:00.004-04:00

I never know how to deal with the rage that people feel toward directors who want to remake one of their favorite movies ("But it's a classic!") is being remade. I didn't think it was necessary to remake The Taking of Pelham 123, but I'm looking forward to seeing what Ridley Scott can do with the material.

In 1992, Abel Ferrera made a film called Bad Lieutenant starring Harvey Keitel about...you guessed it...a crooked cop. Fairly significant praise has been heaped onto the film and Ferrera, by proxy, and it's probably one of the fifty best crime movies made after 1973 (the start of the Scorsese crime film era). It's nowhere near as good as The Killing of a Chinese Bookie or Goodfellas, but, all things considered, Ferrera is pretty talented.

This year, Werner Herzog, who is roughly...5000 times the filmmaker that Ferrera is, decided to loosely remake Bad Lieutenant.

Ferrera was mad.
He was incensed.

He is quoted as saying this:

I wish these people die in hell. I hope they're all in the same streetcar, and it blows up.

Werner Herzog's response?
Let him fight the windmills, like Don Quixote.

I guess it seems insane that the guy who made King of New York is implying that Herzog is a whore. Herzog, the guy who schlepped a film crew through a Peruvian rain forest just to be authentic. Twice. Ferrara should be proud that a filmmaker as visionary as Herzog is even thinking of taking his story and remaking it. Ferrara can tell Herzog to die in hell when he makes a movie that's as good as the first 3 minutes of Aguirre, Wrath of God.

And that's what I have to say to the people who hate remakes.
Go to Spain and chase your goddamn windmills.

Tough Luck Charlie

2009-03-30T16:44:00.002-04:00

Aging Manson 'Family' members long for freedom

Umm...sorry guys, but that's what you get for savagely murdering 7 people.
I guess they missed the fine print in the social contract where it says that you're right screwed if you murder a bunch of people because some nut who even Dennis Wilson thought was crazy told you to.

As far as I'm concerned, the Manson Family can enjoy being model prisoners in prison. You can't ask life for a mulligan. There are no do-overs. They made their bed and they should sleep in it.

Bad Religion

2009-03-26T17:11:00.004-04:00

I’ve been wondering how a raven is like a writing desk for almost two decades, even since seeing the Disney adaptation of Alice in Wonderland, but all that happens when I dedicate any time to this riddle is that I think of how one thing is like another. Like religions. Not to take the piss out of the Church of England or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but I see one striking similarity between the two. Joseph Smith and King Henry the Eighth helped establish two very helpful and good organizations, but under some more careful inspection, doesn’t it seem that the two organizations were founded by sex-crazed sociopaths? Less so with Joseph Smith, but it seems as though they both made a few timely manipulations of the zeitgeist so that they could justify banging as many chicks as they wanted.

Not to take away anything from the good things that the English and Mormon Churches do for society, but it’s interesting that part of the reason each was established was so that it’s leader could practice adultery without any sort of social or legislative castigation.

Especially with the LDS, it's captivating that such a chaste people could believe so steadfastly in a church that is so deep-rooted in such a harmful practice. Granted, polygamy was forbidden over one-hundred years ago, but never have I see a flock so faithful to such an undeserving shepherd.

To be fair, the same could be said about all religions and maybe the key is to do what the prophets and leaders and prelates say, not as they do.

America's Team...

2009-03-23T17:05:00.004-04:00

...is the Baltimore Orioles.

What other baseball club has been in crisis for the last decade?
What other baseball club has a rich history of dominance that was squashed by incompetent leadership and bone-headed, if well-intentioned, moves?
What baseball club is so close to reaffirming that historic dominance with their bright future?
What baseball club recognizes that, even though there is a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel, they need to work harder than ever before?

The Baltimore Orioles are not a team of downtrodden wannabes. They represent a new hope: in the Charm City, in the American League East...hell, in America.

Even a guy named Buster thinks they're going to return to the glory days.

They're the Baltimore Orioles and yes...they can.

pt 2

2009-03-19T16:55:00.004-04:00

The shadow man stood above me and asked:

Is love ever truth?

I reached for my glasses, sighed and asked him what he was talking about.

Is love truth?

I told him to let me think on it.
I got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom.
#1.

I looked at the shadow man and said...

2009-03-16T16:45:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning.
It looked like a shadow was standing over me without my glasses.
I don't sleep with my glasses because they'll be crushed.
If someone watched me while I was sleeping they'd see what a horror show my life has become.

Literally.

I snore like a chainsaw. A well-oiled, deep-pitched chainsaw. Sailors are at once drawn to it and also repelled. I think.
I scarcely stay still for more than an hour while sleeping. I twist, bounce and roll like some ethereal entity was trying to stand atop a log in a lake.

I think.

I couldn't tell you for sure because nobody has slept with me. Nobody has been able to. Who could?

I don't take offense, though: it is what it is.

Uncontrollable as a feral cat.

And it doesn't account for the shadowy figure I saw this morning standing, looming over me.

2009-03-10T11:43:00.002-04:00

Random Thoughts:

1. Sometimes I wish someone at the hospital had made an error in writing my name on my birth certificate. I love my name, but if the nurse who was filling it out had dyslexia or was afflicted with a severe, intermittent palsy and added an extra –es at the end of my name, I would be Jameses Andrew Eustice. I could be Jameses the Great, like some transplanted Egyptian pharaoh of old. Wouldn’t that make my life exponentially more interesting?

2. Novelty products like the pet rock or astronaut ice cream appear from some distant Elysium, where the mothers of invention give birth to innovations not fertilized by necessity, but by pure decadence. Nobody needs a Snuggy or a vegetable peeler that peels on a down-stroke and an up-stroke. So, let me be the first to invent one of the novelty items. Dehydrated water! Isn’t this a fantastic idea? I’d be the first to literally sell nothing for money. How many idiots do you think will buy this stuff? I can’t believe I was the first person to th-…hold on, I have a phone call..

Hey Reg, what’s up? I’m in the middle of writing a post.
(pause)
Uh-huh. Yeah, I’m okay, but what was so urgent?
(pause)
Yeah, dehydrated water! How great is that?
(pause)
What do you mean?
(pause)
No…that’s not right. Impossible.
(pause)
Shit! Well, thanks for letting me know. I need to get back to the post. Talk to you later, Reg.
(pause)
(sigh) I love you, too, Reg.

Sorry about that. My good friend Reginald C. Hopscotch tells me that I’m not the first one to blaze the dehydrated water trail. Well done, www.buydehydratedwater.com, well done. You’ve won this round.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

2009-03-05T17:13:00.003-05:00

Last night I had the pleasure of watching a modern cinematic classic called Beverly Hills Chihuahua with my friend Reginald C. Hopscotch, his girlfriend Lily Tillamook and her friend Isabella Plunk.

The Plot: Jamie Lee Curtis has a Chihuahua and spoils it with diamonds and designer dog couture. Curtis goes on a whirlwind press junket, presumably to dispel widespread rumor that she is, in fact, a hermaphrodite, and leaves Chloe with Piper Perabo, Curtis’ feckless niece. On a whim, Perabo takes the dog down to Mexico with her gurls, presumably to bed some sleazy OC lacrosse player…or maybe just to see a donkey show. We never really find out why the human characters do anything. They just go. I digress. Naturally, with Piper out dancing with her entourage of aimless gits, Chloe (who, by the way, is voiced with Drew Barrymore’s dizzying dopey shrill) is dog-napped by a dog fighting ring. She barely escapes with the scent-impaired, former police Alsatian and the cliche and cliche and cliche and cliche until the end where they are reunited with Perabo and more cliches occur.

The Good: There is a scene, toward the end, when Chloe learns to bark (“finds her voice”). There’s just nothing quite as adorable as a Chihuahua barking.

The Bad: There’s nothing about this movie that is good. The filmmakers throw in adult humor like the references to much more adult movies like Apocalypse Now and Scarface, as if we will knowingly snicker and think “Hey, this stuff isn’t so bad.” But it is bad because it’s not impossible to make a film that appeals on the same level to both adults and kids. Take Finding Nemo as a prime example of something that is conceptually entertaining to adults and kids. BHC eschews this in favor of idiotic in-jokes and a dumbed-down, hackneyed plot. This is not its greatest sin, though. In the middle of it, I asked myself whether the filmmakers are making fun of the spoiled Hollywood elite or fawning dog owners or Mexicans and I realized who the unwitting butt of the joke was: me. The filmmakers aren’t just making fun of my intelligence by making such inane rubbish; they’re insulting kids, too. Kids are much too smart to fall for talking animals. Yeah, I should think it’s stupid because I don’t fit the targeted demographic, but at what point do we start taking children a little more seriously? I think we take for granted how vivid and impressive a child’s imagination is when we continually allow movies like this to be made. And the onus is on us to make it stop because we are the one’s who pay for the tickets. The fewer tickets something like this sells, the fewer movies of its ilk will be made.

I know the future isn't dependent on the nature or quality of children's cinema, but maybe we'll live in a better future if we stop pandering to adults and patronizing kids. Just a thought.

2009-03-04T17:26:00.001-05:00

Tonight: Watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Tomorrow: Post.

Part 3-5...Abridged in a Conversation with Doug Roberts

2009-02-22T10:01:00.004-05:00

III-V in a conversation with Doug Roberts

Doug: What happens next?
Jim: Well, the old man asks me to sit down and he unties Alden. He puts a video tape in the VCR and presses play. He tells us to watch and warns us that if we ever tell anybody about what we saw, we'd be putting ourselves in great danger.
Doug: What was on the tape?
Jim: The real Oscars.
Doug: Like...from the future?
Jim: No, no. I did some research on the old man, the Christian Rosenkruez and it turns out that he's this guy who lived during the Renaissance who figured out how to prolong life and, obviously, turn into cats. So this guy appears to us and says we've been getting too close to the truth. He shows us this alternative Oscar ceremony where awards are given based on talent and not good press or media pushes.
Doug: Too close to what? And who won these awards?
Jim: Well...he said that Alden and I were uncovering the emergence of cinema-industrial complex. I think what he was trying to say is that studios are trying to put out as inferior a product as possible for the most gain possible. The time of innovation is over. It died in the late 70s and now studios decide what plays in the theaters. That means the studios dictate who wins awards, to an extent. If a studio can't dictate what gets seen, they can't make money as risk-free as they are now. They spend 10 million on a spoof film and get 100 times that in profit. Why? Because the studio is putting it on 2500 screens all over the country. So smaller, more innovative films suffer and mankind, as a result, suffers.
Doug: Huh.
Jim: I know. Pretty heavy shit. I guess last year was an anomaly and they couldn't stop us from seeing the good stuff because there was so much of it. But The Wrestler? Too small. In Bruges? Too weird. The Visitor? Too subtle. As a result, the movies being nominated are all bland, in-your-face gilded lilies. They're all fairly shallow and none of the five nominees for best picture are risky in the least. Maybe Slumdog, but even that turns into something trite and convenient toward the finale of the film.
Doug: So who won the real Oscars?
Jim: Wall-E.
Doug: But that made tons of money. That was a huge financial success.
Jim: Which is exactly why the studios are wrong. They seem to think they know what we want to see. We're only seeing what they want us to see, though. Do you think people are going to stop going to the movies is their only choices are those that are critically acclaimed?
Doug: Probably not.
Jim: Exactly. So in rural areas, where you have to drive half-an-hour to the theater, you're choices are...Beverly Hills Chihuahua, My Bloody Valentine and Twilight. And there's nothing wrong with those films, but do they need three screens each on their opening weekends? Not at the risk of better film. It's like devoting a wing of an art gallery to Ziggy cartoons. So many people go to the movies and don't really watch what they're seeing. They must realize on some primal level that they're being force-fed the same romantic comedies, the same horror movies and the same, played-out action movies. They must know.
Doug: So this guy told you all this?
Jim: Yeah, pretty much.
Doug: But...so what? People like what they like, right?
Jim: Yeah, of course. But if television and film are the most popular and accessible outlets for artistry and expressions of our culture, what do the films the make the most money say about us as a civilization? To me, it says that we're all so goddamn numb to feeling that even when presented with an opportunity to see something great and artistic, we won't. We've been and are being brainwashed into complacency, where we'd rather sit in the dark for 90 minutes watching something that doesn't engage us at all. Isn't it part of the human condition to seek out things that move us instead of merely manipulating? I want to see a film that makes me laugh, really laugh, and cry and something that makes me feel.
Doug: Yeah, maybe so. So, what happened next?
Jim: Well...the old man left. I guess he turned back into a cat, maybe? I don't know.
Doug: Huh. So where do you want to go for dinner tonight?
Jim: I don't know. Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?
Doug: I don't know.

Sick Day and Adventure Time

2009-02-20T14:25:00.002-05:00

I'm not feeling well today. I'll finish the Oscar report sometime before the actual Oscars.

In the meantime...watch this:

Part II of the Oscar Post

2009-02-19T18:22:00.007-05:00

(Prelude: I'm not going to write about the cartoon...I'm not going to write about the cartoon...I'm not going to write about the cartoon. Let's just say put judgment aside and agree that the jury is out on whether Delonas is a good or bad person or a racist. We can definitively say, though, (thanks to Gawker) that Delonas isn't a very bright cartoonist.)

II

The staccato knocks which were intended to alarm Jet instead gently pushed Alden's hollow, metal door open. Two thoughts rushed through my head as the door revealed a freshly turned-over living room: they're expecting me and I'm in great danger.

I scanned the room and saw Alden to my left, gagged and tied to a chair with twine. It was a sloppy job. He could wait.

I looked to my right. No Jet.

As I backed against the door, pushing it with the palm of my right hand, I looked into Alden's eyes and put my finger to my mouth. It didn't occur to me at the time that his muffled pleading was not the result of fear, but a warning.

"Pep-pep-pep-pep-pep! Jet! Pep-pep-pep. Come here, Jet!"

I heard movement behind me and about-faced. My eyes darted to the ground, expecting a medium-sized black cat, but instead I was startled to find a pair of black, leather dress shoes planted firmly on the ground, exiting a man's violet pinstriped pant legs like two upside-down whack-a-moles.

"We do not respond to 'Jet' in this form, Mister Eustice," the man said, his voice haughty from years of affluence. I trained my eyes slowly upward from the shoes; to the blue paisley tie bookended by two fat, violet lapels, to the waxy crags around his piercing blue eyes, and finally to his sly, white smile.

"Should I call you Tom?" I asked, genuinely confused. "Or Mister Wolfe?"

The man laughed.

"No, Jim. You may call me Christian," he paused and stared at me with the same sly smile, "or Mister Rosenkreuz."

To be continued...

2009-02-18T19:21:00.002-05:00

5-part Oscar Post Continues Tomorrow and Friday, concluding on Saturday.

Trust me...I'm going somewhere with this. It will be Oscar related.

My Dinner with Alden or Cat’s Got Your Tongue: A Study of the 2009 Oscars in 5 Parts

2009-02-16T15:12:00.001-05:00

I.

On a cold Saturday afternoon in February I was teetering on the brink of sleep and awake, when my phone rang. Not quite awake, I answered the phone with a jumble of hellos and huhs and whats

“Jim, I need your help,” a voice said. Scratchy. High-pitched. Almost recognizable. Almost.
“Who is this?” I demand.
“Jet”
“What?”
“Jet!”
“Li?”
“No. Alden’s Jet.”
“Oh.”
“I need your help, Jim.”
“But-“
“Damnit Jim. Just listen! We have precious little time!”

I listened intently as Jet explained why he needed my help and what he needed me to do. I was to drive to Jet’s apartment outside of Baltimore in a sleepy little town called Arbutus. Jet said I needed to meet him at his apartment so that a formal plan of action could be made. Maybe it was the drowsiness or the urgency in Jet’s voice, but I never asked him why he needed me. I hung up the phone and hopped in the shower. As I lathered up, my mind wandered to my friend Alden’s wedding. Jet had said that he was Alden’s Jet, but I couldn’t recall meeting anybody named Jet.

I put on my shoes and ran to my van.

As I was sitting in the driver’s seat, it hit me:

Jet was Alden’s cat.

(cue ominous music)

I dialed Alden’s number on my mobile phone and waited for the ringing to stop.

Finally, an answer.

“Alden?”
“Jim…just listen to Jet. Come to Arbutus.”
“What’s going on?” I asked right as I heard the phone being snatched away from Alden.
“Are you listening, Jim?”
It was Jet again. More tense this time. More demanding.
“Yeah, I mean…yeah, Jet. I’m listening. I’m just confused. How am I talking to a cat?”
“Just listen, Jim. Come to Arbutus. I need your help.”
“But…”
“Jim! Don’t be a hero.”
“But…you’re a cat,” but he hung up before I could finish.

I started the car and pulled out of my driveway.

End Part I

Part II tomorrow.

Why So Serious?

2009-02-12T19:08:00.003-05:00

I was telling my cube-neighbor that I feel a bit tapped out when it comes to writing here and I honestly meant what I said. I feel like there's nothing to write about that is interesting. He suggested I write about the virtues of making love with the trash heap from Fraggle Rock. And while I could literally write a book about sleeping with ole' Marjory, that paragon of sagely oracle-ness, I feel that the time just...isn't right. It's one of those topics that I'll put in my back pocket and save it for another time.

Let me be frank with you all, my sweet seven readers: times are dire. There's just nothing to write about.

Every time I feel this way something fantastic happens. Call it happenstance; call it fate; hell, call it deus ex machina.

The following clip dropped into my lap, like manna from heaven.

Can you imagine being one of Joaquin Phoenix's biggest fans and going to see Letterman that night? How disappointed would you be that your favorite actor had turned into such a zombie? It doesn't even seem like he's having a bad night. It seems like he's on something that turns people into unresponsive bores who take themselves too seriously. I can understand why he would be slightly upset with the crowd and David Letterman, but honestly Letterman is just working with what he's being given. I don't think Letterman is being rude because that's what talk-show hosts have to do when the superstar that they are interviewing is so out of it.

The bigger picture, though, is that a great actor is putting his livelihood (and life) at risk with erratic and risky behavior (I am assuming that Phoenix is on some kind of drug). I remember the last guy who was psychologically erratic and unbalanced, and while he's about to get his first Oscar next Sunday, he will not be able to accept it because he's dead. At what point do we stop laughing at these damaged people, realize that they are neither gods nor monsters and collectively say something about it. We're elevating these people to celebrity, but we don't seem to want to take any kind of responsibility when one of them fizzles out or explodes like a supernova.

It's more complicated than that, though, isn't it? Celebrities, with the obvious exceptions, are adults. They should be able to take care of themselves. It's their responsibility to make sure that they are leading healthy and happy lives. On the other hand, there must be some kind of unbearable ennui that comes with being famous. That knowledge makes me question fame...but only for a second.

I guess I'm really glad to have something to write about, but at the same time, I feel really bad for Phoenix.

What's the Big Deal With Sam?

2009-02-11T15:06:00.003-05:00

I think I have a pretty diverse sense of what is funny and what isn't, but after listening to Sam Kinison I'm at a loss. I can hear how he has influenced a diverse array of comics, from Bill Hicks to Lewis Black to Gabriel Iglesias. I can hear it and I imagine when they first heard Kinison, their minds were blown, but now he just sounds like a loud, angry misogynist.

He's not unfunny in the way that Andrew Dice Clay was, but I can't pick out anything that laughable about his material. Maybe his material was really shocking back then or maybe I'm just really, really jaded.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the huge deal is about Sam Kinison.

Operation Bitchslap is Go!!!

2009-02-09T20:35:00.002-05:00

I guess I'm okay with missing How I Met Your Mother so that President Obama can get Operation Bitchslap under way.

Maybe I've taken it for granted, but isn't it nice, after twelve years, to have a president that makes sense and isn't embroiled in scandal? I don't know about you, but I'm really enjoying this presidency on a personal level. I'm not sure whether the stimulus plan is going to work or whether his plan is the best plan, but I am psyched that he seems to know exactly what is going on, as opposed to what his aides just told him five minutes before a speech (yes, George, we're talking about you).

Here's a better question: where were the media and their smart, probing questions eight years ago?

McDick

2009-02-05T13:15:00.002-05:00

By now you've all heard the clip of Christian Bale making an ass out of himself while throwing a tantrum on set because the director of photography was messing around with the lighting.

Of course the DOP was wrong for messing with lights while Bale was getting into the scene. Apparently it was a very emotional scene that demanded a lot of Bale.

But honestly, you don't need to be that big an asshole to someone to get your point across. Bale certainly could have reigned in his anger and spend a minute yelling at the guy. Getting angry is one thing. Throwing tantrums is another.

All that aside, I'm curious where McG (the director of the film) was during all of this. The director of the film is supposed to lead his cast and crew. If something is wrong, he should nip it in the bud. If the lighting is off, he should correct it before the actors start the scene. If an actor is being unruly, he should clear the set. We never would have heard about Bale's tantrum if McG had done his job.

So, cheers to you McG!

Nadal vs. Federer

2009-02-03T17:13:00.003-05:00

If you were not awake at 4am this Sunday and randomly tuned into ESPN2, you probably missed something great. In Melbourne, Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer faced off in the final match of the 2009 Australian Open.

Nadal, the 22 year-old Spaniard, ended up beating Federer in five exciting sets of tennis. If you're not compelled by their rivalry (an in-the-middle-of-his-prime, methodically intense, although emotionless Swiss man against a passionate, talented-but-reckless Spaniard) then you probably don't like sports. Or drama. Or living.

Next time these two meet, I suggest tuning in for twenty minutes. If, after twenty minutes, you're not hooked then...well...then turn the channel, obviously. Just give men's tennis a shot. You'll thank me.

Next Post: Thursday

The Blunt Truth

2009-02-02T19:21:00.002-05:00

Now that our Olympic darling Michael Phelps has been outted as a hophead, isn't it time to start thinking about legalizing marijuana?

If he smokes weed and he can win a gaggle of gold medals, shouldn't we all be able to smoke it?

It's Michael Phelps!

If marijuana was legalized and regulated, wouldn't that create a lot of job? I'm just sayin'...let's all get behind Michael Phelps and NORML in legalizing it.

Next real post: Tuesday

The Unlikely Rise of Pope Michael of Wichita

2009-01-29T19:48:00.003-05:00

This week, Pope Bush...er...Pope Benedict reversed the excommunications of a quartet of douchey bishops (Live from Shea Stadium...it's The Douchey Bishops!!), which led me on an intellectual fact-finding mission.

I went from The Douchey Bishops to Marcel Lefebvre (the Chuck Berry of douchey bishops) to the Society of St. Pius X (a distant cousin of Malcolm) to sedevacantism (Traditionalist Catholics with a capital "T" who think the papacy has been vacant since 1958) to conclavism (dudes who give their allegiance to different Popes) to...are you sitting down?...

POPE MICHAEL OF KANSAS!

also known as David Bawden...plain, old David Bawden

One day Davey Bawden was sitting on his chaise lounge watching episodes of Medium when he thought "You know what really grinds my gears? The Pope! We need a new one! PRONTO!"

Bawden got on the horn and called his nearest and dearest to his crib for an anti-papal conclave, among them the two elusive cardinals that Bawden refers to as "Cardinal Mom" and "Cardinal Dad".

After minutes and minutes of discussion, a waft of white smoke danced from the chimney of Bawden's house and a new Pope was elected! The bells in the Cathedral of Saint Microwave were tolled for those in all of Christendom (or Wichita) to hear and recognize the birth of a new era!

The era of Pope Michael!
He and his dozens of his supporters rejoice!
(The above story of the origin of Pope Michael is a dramatization)

Only in Kansas, right?

If you want to know more about this incredible story (or this foolish man) you should go to his ridiculous website. If he's an anti-pope, he's also very clearly an anti-website-designer and an anti-writer.

Thank you Internet. Thank you.

Durian Fruit: The Stinky Killer

2009-01-26T19:39:00.003-05:00

If it stinks like onions and sweaty socks, has the consistancy of custard and its skin is made up of spikes that have no trouble drawing blood, don't you think we should take the hint from whatever force is spinning this great big world that we should leave the durian fruit alone?

Noms Noms Noms

2009-01-22T22:16:00.000-05:00

The implication of the Best Animated Film award is that animated films are not as important, or relevant, as live-action films, that somehow it doesn't take as much effort to create an animated feature as it does to create a live-action feature. What this category screams out to movie watchers is that a film that is drawn does not deserve to be in consideration with a movie that is more conventionally filmed.

I think most of the time the Oscar voters are correct, but Wall-E is the best and, more importantly, the most risky film of the last year so shouldn't it be treated that way? In order for the award to remain valid and relevant, doesn't it have to be treated that way?

Wall-E is more widely and unswervingly praised than any of the five current nominees.

But it's animated, so tough luck. They have their own category.

But what about The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, the leader in nominations. How much did David Fincher rely on some kind of artificial imaging to create his film? If it was not for animation, would Benjamin Button ever grace the silver screen? Probably not.

And what of Titanic?

How much did that rely on animation?

So...what is good for the goose is not what is good for the gander?

Most rational people will say "it's just an award, Jim."

Yes, you're right. Never more so than now.

The Evolution Will Not Be Televised

2009-01-19T21:07:00.003-05:00

There's a vocal segment of the population that is trying to make people feel foolish or guilty for celebrating the Inauguration of President-Elect Barack Obama. They want to remind us that Mr. Obama is just one man and, in more extreme cases, that he is not God.

I, for one, am so glad to have so many people to remind me who is and isn't God. Thank you.

All sarcasm aside, I can't quite figure out why this segment of the population is trying to quash this broad-sweeping feeling of joy that gas swept the nation. Is it just sour grapes? Do they think they're carrying Diogenes' Lantern, spewing profound, but latent, truths while sauntering around drunk on their own self-righteousness?

Or are they just Grinches that don't like seeing others make merry because a bad period has come to an end and a better one has sprung anew?

I like to think it's a mixture of all three.

I've restrained myself from asking it thus far, but who do these people think they are to tell people when they can be joyous and what they can be joyous for?

Mr. Obama is offering himself to all of us as an accountable leader with integrity. Remember the last time PotUS had both integrity and accountability? Not since I've been alive, I can't.

Do you remember the last time we had a leader who is as capable and pragmatic as he is intelligent? Maybe Mr. Clinton, but otherwise I can't.

Do you remember the last time a single man has given so much hope to as many people that anything is possible? Not in my lifetime, I can't.

Mr. Obama's presidency is going to be a rocky road, but isn't he the kind of person we want leading us? Someone who is capable, accountable and pragmatic?

His ideas are revolutionary.
No. Scratch that. Enough of this Sisyphus, revolution bullshit where things get just as bad after an upswing as they were before.

His ideas are evolutionary.
We have the option of throwing the bipartisan cat-fighting that has plagued our country since Nixon was in office. We are on the verge of embracing new ideas and doing what is right for the country instead of what is right just for the party or for ourselves.

That is exciting.
So get on the damn bus, naysayers, because we're rolling out with or without you.