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The Best Thing I've Seen All Day (Sort of NSFW)

Thank you, Doug Roberts, for sharing this with me.
The world is a happier place because of it.

Getting Ready

I have a problem.

Well, I have problems, but one seems to be a little more pressing.

I wake every weekday at 7am.

I don't leave the house earlier than 8:45.  

It's not that I spend all of my time primping and preening.

As my father says, I'm a world class piddler. 

In the morning, after my shower and before I leave I end up turning on the television while I'm clothing myself.

And what do you know?

The best movie ever ALWAYS comes on, so I'm forced to watch...until 9:15. 

This morning is was In Bruges.

Yesterday it was Hot Rod.

I own both of those movies.

I OWN them.  

Yet I still have to watch a little bit of them.

I have a problem.

Good share.

DC is the Most Depressing Sports City: Reason #48, 376

After you start off your season losing ten of your first 12 games, how can things get any worse?

Oh.

This is how.

NCIS

Excerpt of a conversation I keep hearing:

"Yeah, NCIS is so good!  I love it because it's so innovative and different than every other show I've seen."

Full disclosure?

I think NCIS is a decent procedural that will be fondly remembered by its fans, who are rabid and legion, but by virtually nobody else.    It's not a bad show, but it's not great.  

So why do people think this show is so wonderful?

It's a rehash of the same characters as other shows, the same relationships and the same solutions to the same crimes.  My parents watch it, but they never claim that they're watching something ground-breaking or mind-blowing.

This isn't like the time I slagged off Monk without watching it.  I've seen NCIS many times and it's okay...so someone in the know, please tell me what the big deal is.

An Open Letter to Mr. Daniel Snyder

Dear Mr. Snyder,

My name is Jim Eustice and I may have written an open letter to you before.  I'm not the most rabid Redskins fan, nor am I the loudest or flashiest.  In fact, I generally prefer watching the Skins in the privacy of my own home, barely clothed with a cool bottle of my favorite fermented beverage.  If that makes my opinion less valid or me less of a fan, so be it.

But there's one thing I just have to say to you.

Let me preface that by explaining that I heard on the local news that there was a plan to trade this year's top draft pick and next year's in order to pick University of Southern California quarterback Mark Sanchez.  I'll admit that in the previous two years Sanchez had very good numbers, ultimately leading his team to a crushing Rose Bowl victory over Penn State.  

The problem is this, bud.  Was Jason Campbell, our quarterback du jour, the problem?  Or did he crumble last year because of an aging offensive line?  Isn't that kind of why Portis' numbers start decreasing, too?  

I'm not averse to a trade that can strengthen the offensive line.  I even like Mark Sanchez, but if so much of football is contingent on the offensive line, what good is he?  How is he any different than Jason Campbell in regard to the weak offensive line?  Arguably, he's a better passer and a fresh start for Campbell and the Redskins might be exactly what the doctor ordered.  What if Campbell was playing for Minnesota?  I bet he'd do pretty well.  Minnesota can afford to start sub par quarterbacks because...they have a great offensive line.

And while the Redskins did have a great line, age isn't doing anybody any favors.

To sum up my point, sir, I've included a picture.

That round thing to the right of the little bench?

That's a wheel.  The Mesopotamians invented it thousands of years ago.

It still works great.  In fact, you could say that they broke the mold when the first wheel was made.  It was perfect.

Mister Snyder.  

I beg you.

I implore you.

Stop trying to invent the wheel.

It's been done.

Trade some draft picks, but for God's sake...for ALL of our sake...please trade for something that will actually address the problems at hand.  Please.

Thank you for your time, Mister Snyder, and if you ever need a general manager or...any kind of front office employee, really, keep me in mind.  

I only hope that next week you don't make a gigantic gaffe.

Love you,

Jim Eustice

On Doug Roberts: A Reckoning Part 1 (Slightly Unsafe for Work)

I've known Doug Roberts for a long time.  There are some simple facts you should know about him, too.

One amazing thing about Doug is that he moonlights as a turtle prostitute.  Don't ask me why he does it, but I speculate that it's neither the money nor the control that he's addicted to, but the thrill of it.  I can't say that old lady excitement has sunk her talons into my shoulder, but she has a firm grasp on Mister Roberts.  

He claims that he can quit whenever he wants, but I know that's a lie he's telling himself.  Every time we watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I see a glimmer in his eye and a reminiscent smirk cracked on his face, I know the truth.  Doug has fallen prey to these insatiable beasts.

It hasn't interfered with his life...yet.  I just hope that when the cards drop (and they will!) that we'll be able to pick up the pieces. 

I followed him one afternoon and snapped this photo, narrowly escaping with my life, so that you all would know the truth.

 Keep your eyes peeled, dear readers.  A friend's life may be at stake.