Emmy Amuse-bouche

Since there's a scheduled blogger outage soon and I know it will take me more than an hour to finish the Emmys blog, I'll have to do that one for Saturday.


I will give you a quick taste, though.

There were many surprises at the Emmys, some good and some bad. The nicest surprise for me, though, was the supporting actor for a drama award. I was sure that William Shatner would win for Boston Legal in part because he's supposed to be good in it and also because Emmy seems to simply adore him. I was hoping that my second pick would win, John Slattery, but I guess you can't win an award for looking amazing in a gray flannel suit. Tension was building as the two unmemorable stars announced the nominees. Then they opened the envelope and one of the presenters said the two most beautiful words known to mankind.

Zeljko Ivanek.

I was so happy because he did so well in Damages and he should be rewarded for bringing that character to life with such skill, depth and thoughtfulness. Part of that is the writing, as it usually is, but Ivanek really stepped up to the plate and hit a home run. So congratulations Mr. Ivanek. I hope this opens up many new doors to you and your zombie face. I mean that in the best way.

Sorry guys.

Okay, so I'm being a real tease about the Emmys post, but I have plans for tonight.

Mom and I are going out to dinner and when I get home, I don't anticipate wanting to write up a long post about the Emmys. So...tomorrow you will all be rewarded with the Emmy post.


I hope you don't think I'm leaving you empty-handed though.

A discussion: on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the tops, how surprising is Clay Aiken's admittance that he is indeed of the homosexual persuasion? First and foremost, good for him for living his life and damning the proverbial torpedoes on this news. He could have waited until he was totally irrelevant, like Dick Chamberlain did.

I was thinking it was as surprising as finding out that Anna Nicole Smith died of a drug overdose. It just seems like one of those "Oh really." moments. Like in Boogie Nights, when one of the porn stars' girl is overdosing on coke, nose bleeding and mouth foaming, and he says "I think I bought some bad coke" and the main porn investor says "Oh really Doctor."

I love that scene.

DJ Khaled

I've always been prone to impulse buys. When I have money sometimes I'll buy something unnecessary. To be clear, most of the stuff I buy is already unnecessary, but these impulses? Even more so. It's never anything big and I refuse to spend beyond my means, but if I see a CD that I think I might like, I'll usually pick it up.

Like last Friday when I picked up DJ Khaled's new album. I should stop right here because calling it "his album" is a bit inaccurate. It seems like all he does, like all the other DJs, is put the songs on the album. He has a good ear for talent. The stars and the newcomers on the album are good. What could go wrong with Kanye, Akon, Rick Ross, The Game, Nas, Jim Jones and more on your album?


Well, I'll tell you. DJ Khaled seems to fancy himself a hype man, feeling the need to scream his name and other hiphop phrases at the beginning of every song. If he wanted to do some kind of skit at the beginning of the album hyping himself, that'd be acceptable. It'd even be expected. But on every track?

Mr. Khaled...I already bought your album. I don't need to be yelled at. Yes, I know you're the #1 hustla or whatever, but I spent my hard earned ten bucks on your CD to hear Kanye and Nas rip shit up, not you hyping yourself and giving shout outs to the nearly irrelevant Terra Squad.


Tomorrow I'm going to be writing about the 2008 Emmys. It might be more entertaining than the actual show.

I'll be taking the rest of the week off because I need to start fresh with posts that I've written before-hand.

Tune in Monday for a new, improved blog.
Next Friday also marks the return of guest blogging. Get excited for a new post by Beth Seavers.

Thank you for your patience.








I will be doing an post about the Emmys on Sunday morning, though. Maybe an Emmy running diary.

The Little British Invasion

Little Britain was a sketch comedy show from Britain and has since been reproduced by the original creators for the US. HBO immediately picked it up and the first season starts soon.

I'm really excited for this show, even though I don't have HBO, because it's one of the funniest sketch shows I've ever seen. Most of the funniest sketch comedy shows I've seen are British.

I've embedded some sketches below, for your pleasure. Some are not safe for work.





I think this show is brilliant because, unlike most sketch shows, it's done by two people. It's rare to find two actors that can play anybody with flair and humor, but David Walliams and Matt Lucas shine. I'm really happy that America will finally see these two funny gentlemen at work. Both Lucas and Walliams have found success outside of Little Britain (Lucas is rumored to be playing Tweedledum and Tweedledee in Burton's Alice in Wonderland, while Walliams was the voice of the bear in Prince Caspian and they are pretty famous in the UK, but they're unknown over here. I especially admire Lucas for committing to the gag even if it means bearing too much or himself (both physically or personally).



So despite the fake stories (thanks Tim Curran) about the "West Hollywood Gay and Lesbian Alliance" (which apparently doesn't even exist) branding the show as obnoxious and offensive, I think everyone should give it a try.

The Mountain Meadows Massacre: September 11th 1.0

Yesterday we remembered the lives lost and affected by the September 11th attacks: the loss was tragic and I'm sure we'll never forget it.


Or will we?

We certainly haven't remembered the Maine! Pearl Harbor seems to be becoming a bit of an after-thought. And nobody even knows what the Gulf of Tonkin incident is (or if it was even real, huh Lyndie?).

There are pros (mutual friendship and trust) and cons (forgetting how reactionary We are) to forgetting.

Hell, the air attacks on 9-11-01 was not even the first attack on Americans by religious zealots.

On September 11th, 1857 a militia of Mormons massacred a wagon trail of Arkansas emigrants, who were heading to San Francisco. The attacks seem to be a result of Brigham Young's (I don't want to hear that he had no idea it was happening.) growing paranoia over an impending scuffle with the US Army. While this paranoia wasn't unfounded by any means, massacring 140 people who were literally just passing through is ridiculous. It's a big, black mark on the Church of Latter Day Saints' record. It's that, blood atonement, and plural marriage (pretty soon they'll be caught up with the rest of Christianity). The Mormons were never attacked by the Army and the Mormons acquiesced to the government's desire to ban plural marriage, so everything turned out okay in the end. Except for those 140 innocents and the remaining 12 children that lost everybody they knew. I'm over-simplifying it, so I urge you to pick up a book about the massacre or read the wikipedia page about it. But don't rent the recent movie based on these events. Just don't. It's horrible.

Crazy Ideas I've Been Thinking About For A Week #1

If the biggest elephant in the political room is partisanship, why not try something to address it? Instead of this endless circle of senate majorities and minorities, wouldn't it be worthwhile discussing some options?


Let's start in the Senate. I have no position of power and my opinions are somewhat ignorant, so I don't feel too bad if this sounds totally naive, because it most likely is. Naive and crazy...like a fox. Wouldn't it be fun, maybe just for a short period, to have voters vote for one Republican and one Democrat Senator, regardless of one's politics? So you're have 50 Republicans and 50 Democrats in the Senate. That leaves out guys like Benedict Lieberman and Bernie Sanders, but both caucused with the Democrats...so...let's just call them Democrats. I have a feeling that Lieberman is only Independent so he could retain his position as Senator. Maybe I'm wrong, though.

Anyway...I know there would be a bit of a logjam for a while, but the result might be really good. Imagine a legislative branch that wasn't about party politics and lobbyists and pandering to bases. Maybe with the small ideologies that keep us, as Americans, apart, like abortion or same-sex marriage, would either cease mattering Federally or trickle down to the State governments, the way they should! Imagine a legislative branch that actually checked and balanced! Maybe politics would stop being about winners and losers and start being about the people. There's too much power in Washington and not enough humility. Politicians are only there because we allow them to be.

I think both Liberals and Conservatives can both agree that after 200+ years of beautiful democracy, something is a little off about our government. I don't think it's the small things that keep both parties and ideals apart: essentially we're all the same. We all want to have happy lives. So why do we continue to settle for politicians that don't seem to care about that?


I just think if we're both forced to vote for a Republican and a Democrat, we'll make our votes really count. Our democracy isn't meant to be a static, unchagning thing. It should evolve with the times and this may be the first step into perfecting it. Or maybe I'm drunk on sleepiness.

Danger!

This morning I posed a question to two of my very good and loyal friends: would they remain my friend if I grew out my beard, got a very dark tan and changed my name to Osama Jim Laden?

Both said yes, even when I amended the name to Osama Jim Danger. The loyalty of my friends aside, I came away from this experiment with a strong conclusion.

In the spirit of tomorrow's scientific experiment (which is getting little-to-no airplay), I have concluded that "Danger" Jim Eustice is a great name. Like if I wrestled professionally or was an adventurer.


Still, fell free to refer to me as Danger Jim. Kind of like Ranger Jim. Let's make this thing stick, people.

Baking for Novices

This Wednesday, deep beneath Switzerland, the biggest particle-collision we know of, since the Big Bang, will take place.

That seems exciting. I'm excited for it to happen. I'm not sure what the point is...just to show what a millionth of a second after the Big Bang was like? Kay. Awesome. I'm psyched.

It's a pretty big step and maybe it will take some of the "theoretical" out of "theoretical physics," which is good. It doesn't really prove anything, but still...awesome stuff.


And really, what could go wrong?
Tiny black holes? An unexpectedly gigantic explosion?

I'm for scientific breakthroughs, don't get me wrong...but have you ever tasted a cake that has been baked without a precise recipe? Pretty nasty.

Let me rephrase: if we don't know how the Big Bang happened, how can we safely reproduce it? What if the Big Bang was the result of a much smaller particle collision? I mean...if that's the case, we'll never know, but...I hope this cake doesn't taste like shit.


Sometimes I agree with Patton Oswalt: "Science: we're all about coulda, not shoulda".



I should mention, though, that I know little about what goes into this experiment or what it may lead to. Again, like Patton Oswalt, my knowledge of science goes as far as "salt is salty".

Augusten Burroughs is Full of It

I've read almost every one of Augusten Burroughs' books and, for the most part, have enjoyed them. There's a certain sensationalism that appeals to me, mostly out of schadenfreude, I suppose. A couple of years ago, the Turcotte family sued Burroughs for defamation and invasion of privacy because they felt that Burroughs took certain extreme liberties, painting a more negative (and it's pretty damn negative) picture of the Turcotte family. I've never been completely sure who is telling the truth because both parties have ample reason to lie, but I've always sided partially with the Turcottes because Burroughs did settle out of court, changing Running With Scissors from a "memoir" into simply a "book". Either he was the one lying or, more likely, he has much more to lose (like a lucrative career in an industry that is hard to break into).

Now, after reading the first sentence of his new memoir, A Wolf at the Table (about his messed up father), I am fairly convinced that Burroughs is full of shit. The book starts off with a passage, from his own perspective, recalling him sitting in a high chair looking at the world through a tiny hole in a saltine. It's a dynamic image and a creative way to start a book (kind of...not like it hasn't been done by better writers like Grass and Joyce), but it can't be a genuine memory, can it? I'm not sure why I feel like a beginning like that is such a slap in the face or why I feel like my intelligence is being insulted, but that's my first reaction. I couldn't read any more. I wanted to read the book at first, but after reading the first sentence I was totally put off.

I understand that writers use stuff that isn't real all the time. Every writer exaggerates; I certainly have exaggerated plenty of times on this very blog. So I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite for getting so upset with Burroughs.

Or maybe I'm just jealous that he seems to have found a way of getting away with it.

What Lies Beneath

When the candidates spoke last night, I couldn't help thinking that some of the stuff they said couldn't be true. Thank god we have yahoo to fact check for us.


Read this article.

Some Random Unconnected Thoughts on Music, Movies, Politics, and...Bodily Functions?

1. Sometimes it takes me a very long time to discover something and learn to love it. Like Stevie Wonder or The Rolling Stones or Bob Dylan. I disliked all of those guys before I started listening to whatever I could get my hands on six years ago. I consider these artists my flip-flopping-libido artists. I'll explain: when I was in middle school, my friendly neighbor and school mate Mark showed me a picture of a naked lady. Not just the bewbs or the butt, but the whole thing. The full Montgomery. Upon seeing the area from which we were all spewed forth (to put it delicately) I gagged. I thought lady business was possibly the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen. I even remember asking, aghast, whether we were supposed to like that...thing. Needless to say, I got over that pretty quickly. It wasn't a process as much as it was like a light switch had been turned on. My new attitude toward this infamous area was enthusiastic and awestruck. Kind of like with the Stones or Stevie or Dylan. I used to dislike them to the point of disgust, but now I'm going out to clubs looking for some hot Dylan or trying to get a Wonder-job. Or something like that. The newest band to enter the hallowed realm of flip-flopping-libido-bands is Vampire Weekend. I bought their album because Doug said they were good. The first time I listened to them, I couldn't get past their sound: sounded a little too much like Rusted Root to me, which is a HUGE deal-breaker. I decided to listen to them at work because I didn't have anything better to listen to. Thank God for that. Vampire Weekend is amazing. I feel like they could blow up and become huge any time. They may already be huge for all I know.
   
2. A great musician died recently. LeRoi Moore was the saxophonist for Dave Matthews Band and was arguably the most talented of the bunch (in my opinion). I know he was instrumental in bringing the sax back into popular rock and he was great at what he did. He was my favorite part of DMB...the only part I liked, honestly. He went to the same college as me, apparently, which is cool. He'll be missed. Maybe we will find a silver lining in this premature loss. Possibly the dismantling of Dave Matthews Band? I hope so. Pretty tragic all the same.
3. I overheard a kid in Blockbuster saying that he couldn't watch a certain movie because it was made by Columbia. It's strange when you have the same basic rules as a four-year-old.
4. Should the democrats avoid being hypocritical or should they pull a Swift Boat and question John McCain's service record? I lean toward being classy about the whole thing, but...doesn't his military record deserve to be scrutinized? A big part of his campaign is predicated on him being a war hero. I feel bad about him being a prisoner and I'm glad it wasn't me, but was his mission to be shot down and imprisoned? What part of "P.O.W." is synonymous with "successful wartime experience"? It's not as if he commanded an army during a legitimate conflict, like Clark did. For all the backlash Ole Wes took for calling McCain out, I agree with him.
5. The more I hear about Sarah Palin, the more I think I might be dreaming. Someone pinch me, please?
6. I don't know the proper way to fart at work. I'll put it out there. I'm not embarrassed. I get gassy at work and I don't know what to do. I can't leave my desk 5 or 6 times an hour to let go of one. At the end of the day I come home, like a Slitheen, and blitz my bathroom with a barrage of toots. I feel bad for my roommates (aka parents), but what can I do? That's not a rhetorical question. Really...what can I do? I already asked my friend Joe (who may be the next guest writer. Remember those?), who I consider to be the Sultan of Stink and he gave me some sound advice, but as I told him...something cranky and mean lives up inside of there and it's not welcome in front of others.
   

This post grossed me out. Sorry.

I intended to do a great many things this Saturday past, but as a result of Doug Roberts' housewarming and the ensuing four-person after party(not to mention many Miller Lites) I eschewed all social interaction and holed up in my room all day. After my respite, I found that my roommates (read: parents) had already had dinner.

I dragged myself up and drove to Whole Foods, mostly because the night before a bunch of party goers, as all party goers do, were talking about an alien store named Wegman's. I decided Whole Foods was the closest, most expensive alternative...I may have been wrong, but judging by the amount of money I spent, I doubt it.

I bought a ribeye and some spinach, realizing that I have terrible luck cooking beef. I decided on cooking it in a regular, non-non-stick pan and butter, basting it periodically while it cooked on the range. I'll reitterrate that I am shit at cooking beef. This time, though, some delicious miracle occured and I produced the best steak I've ever had. I deglazed the pan and wilted my spinach at the same time, the by-product of which was pretty amazing. I couldn't even eat the whole thing. Not because it was too much (although it probably was), but because I knew how incredible it would taste cold over a salad (which I have just eaten for dinner. I was right).

There's nothing quite like cooking. It's an art, but also a science. It's the ultimate expression of fondness and caring, I think. Cooking for someone, whether they need the meal or not, is telling them that you care enough for them to sustain their lives, albeit on a small scale. So, clearly, if nobody is cooking for you...somebody wants you to die.

All kidding aside...I've decided that in the near future (2 months or so?) I'm going to have a dinner party. 5 courses, limited attendance. Because we're adults now and that's what they do, right?