Against Offices

I'm convinced that whatever created us, whether it be God or something more powerful and mysterious, it did not intend for human beings to work in an office environment.



Consider the gas situation, and this is one of many situations like this.

If you're sitting at work and start having horrible gas, you have to go all the way across the building to the public bathroom, where you're forced to serenade a bunch of random people in stalls with your body's natural, gaseous symphony. One of the most natural and pure acts is relegated to the semi-privacy of the gray-tiled darkness of corporate bathrooms.

I submit that if we humans were meant to work in an office that we'd have found a more suitable way to deal with body gas. Since we have not yet evolved sufficiently, I submit that all offices be moved either outside or all workers be allowed to expel their own gas openly. I'd prefer the offices being moved outside, but either way, we will overcome!

Some Random Unconnected Thoughts on Music, Movies, Politics, and...Bodily Functions?

1. Sometimes it takes me a very long time to discover something and learn to love it. Like Stevie Wonder or The Rolling Stones or Bob Dylan. I disliked all of those guys before I started listening to whatever I could get my hands on six years ago. I consider these artists my flip-flopping-libido artists. I'll explain: when I was in middle school, my friendly neighbor and school mate Mark showed me a picture of a naked lady. Not just the bewbs or the butt, but the whole thing. The full Montgomery. Upon seeing the area from which we were all spewed forth (to put it delicately) I gagged. I thought lady business was possibly the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen. I even remember asking, aghast, whether we were supposed to like that...thing. Needless to say, I got over that pretty quickly. It wasn't a process as much as it was like a light switch had been turned on. My new attitude toward this infamous area was enthusiastic and awestruck. Kind of like with the Stones or Stevie or Dylan. I used to dislike them to the point of disgust, but now I'm going out to clubs looking for some hot Dylan or trying to get a Wonder-job. Or something like that. The newest band to enter the hallowed realm of flip-flopping-libido-bands is Vampire Weekend. I bought their album because Doug said they were good. The first time I listened to them, I couldn't get past their sound: sounded a little too much like Rusted Root to me, which is a HUGE deal-breaker. I decided to listen to them at work because I didn't have anything better to listen to. Thank God for that. Vampire Weekend is amazing. I feel like they could blow up and become huge any time. They may already be huge for all I know.
   
2. A great musician died recently. LeRoi Moore was the saxophonist for Dave Matthews Band and was arguably the most talented of the bunch (in my opinion). I know he was instrumental in bringing the sax back into popular rock and he was great at what he did. He was my favorite part of DMB...the only part I liked, honestly. He went to the same college as me, apparently, which is cool. He'll be missed. Maybe we will find a silver lining in this premature loss. Possibly the dismantling of Dave Matthews Band? I hope so. Pretty tragic all the same.
3. I overheard a kid in Blockbuster saying that he couldn't watch a certain movie because it was made by Columbia. It's strange when you have the same basic rules as a four-year-old.
4. Should the democrats avoid being hypocritical or should they pull a Swift Boat and question John McCain's service record? I lean toward being classy about the whole thing, but...doesn't his military record deserve to be scrutinized? A big part of his campaign is predicated on him being a war hero. I feel bad about him being a prisoner and I'm glad it wasn't me, but was his mission to be shot down and imprisoned? What part of "P.O.W." is synonymous with "successful wartime experience"? It's not as if he commanded an army during a legitimate conflict, like Clark did. For all the backlash Ole Wes took for calling McCain out, I agree with him.
5. The more I hear about Sarah Palin, the more I think I might be dreaming. Someone pinch me, please?
6. I don't know the proper way to fart at work. I'll put it out there. I'm not embarrassed. I get gassy at work and I don't know what to do. I can't leave my desk 5 or 6 times an hour to let go of one. At the end of the day I come home, like a Slitheen, and blitz my bathroom with a barrage of toots. I feel bad for my roommates (aka parents), but what can I do? That's not a rhetorical question. Really...what can I do? I already asked my friend Joe (who may be the next guest writer. Remember those?), who I consider to be the Sultan of Stink and he gave me some sound advice, but as I told him...something cranky and mean lives up inside of there and it's not welcome in front of others.
   

This post grossed me out. Sorry.