Goose Steppers

I almost ran over a goose today.  

I didn't mean to...well...

Maybe I kind of did.  I didn't want to actually run it over, but it was crossing the street after work (after its work, not mine, obviously) and I really wasn't in the mood to watch its dumbass waddle across the road.  So I sped up and almost nicked it before it slowly turned away from my soccermobile and I swerved the soccermobile into the next lane.

Naturally, the person in the opposite lane waiting for the goose to move honks at me and calls me an asshole.

So I stopped the soccermobile, got out and stabbed him in the throat with an old Husker Du cd, causing his candy apple gray blood to spray all over me and the goose!  How can you blame me for flipping my wig?  I was on my way to the zen arcade, then to the warehouse and I had to stop by the metal circus after that.  Alas, I didn't get to go to any of those places.  Everything falls apart, I guess.  I guess tomorrow is a new day rising.

(See what I did there?  Husker Du albums?  Anybody?  No?)

Okay...that was nonsense.  I didn't kill the guy, but I was pissed.  Not so much for being called an asshole, which has happened plenty of times (as I'm sure you can imagine), but for being made to feel as though I'm inferior to a goose.

There's no problem anthropomorphizing domestic animals like dogs or cats, but when we do it to wild animals we make a big mistake.

When I was a kid, I was chased and almost attacked by a goose.  

If you want to anthropomorphize them at least do an accurate job at it.

Geese are assholes.  They're greedy, they're mean, they're loud and they're stupid.

I don't care if they mate for life or if they migrate thousands of miles.

They're pests.  That's why they are being culled.  

So forgive me for almost running over a goose.  They'd do it to us if they could.

And PS...if they wanted to cross the street, why not just fly?  

RIGHT?!