Conversations I Wish I Could Have Had, Part 2

I went to the doctor's office this morning to check on this abdominal discomfort I've been feeling for about a fortnight. I know I should have gone sooner, but it wasn't painful...so I waited a while.

She told me that she thinks I'm just kind of clogged up and that I need a cleanse. I told her that I shower at least every day, realizing, of course, that it was not my epidermis that needed cleansing, but my...how to put this delicately...my alimentary canal.


So I went to CVS and picked up a cornucopia of tools, elixirs and pills meant to facilitate the kind of cleanse my doctor had prescribed. I went to the front of the store and bought my cure, under the gaze of furrowed brows and veiled smirks from those behind and in front of me.


I really wish I had said this:

Me, to the check-out woman: I know what you're thinking.
Check-out Woman: What's that?
Me: You're thinking that this guy (insert pregnant pause, point to self for emphasis) this guy is going to have an amazing weekend.



But, of course, I bought my expensive laxatives and went on my way.