Guest Entry: Even If Yella Makes It A Capella by Buzzed Jim Eustice

Today's plan was to watch season two of Twin Peaks and drink some beer. But, like many things in life, plans change. I was driving around Gaithersburg today and I put a blank CD into the CD player. I didn't know what was on it...but I was sure something was there.

Thank God I put that CD in, too. The blank CD turned out to be the greatest CD ever. Most people around my age talk about how good 80s music is. Bunk, I say! Bunk! 80s music isn't horrible, but it doesn't hold a candle to the music I remain affectionate toward: early 90s hip hop and r&b. I was so happy when the familiar strains of the music of my youth started coming out of my speakers. I fail to do the CD justice. I'll let it do the talking(through my words...while I pound 40s of Miller Lite). All links are to the video on you tube. They may or may not be safe for work. You've been warned.


The Greatest CD Ever

Track 1: Motown Philly by Boyz II Men: What a great way to start off. Boyz II Men were revelatory to me as a 6th grader. These four gentlemen, the spearhead of the East Coast Family, helped me grow into a man. Back in the day, when 6th grade was part of elementary school, we'd have a 6th-Grade Dance. This is the beginning of my long, hidden history of social awkwardness. As if the girls asking me to dance wasn't too much pressure, we also had a lip syncing contest. So me, a dude named Rokas and two other dudes got up on stage and made big asses of ourselves. At the time we thought we were awesome. I think we even fought to see who would rap the Michael Bivens rap before the breakdown. Looking back on it, I am mortified...which is clearly why I'm sharing. All in all, it was a nice capstone to the innocence of my youth and a good introduction to pre-adulthood.

Track 2: Too Legit To Quit by Hammer: Please, Hammer! Don't hurt 'em!! I inexplicably loved MC Hammer when I was a kid. I'm not even sure why. I didn't own any of his tapes until this one came out. I missed his parachute pants period, which some would say was his blue period. There was a point in my life where I could name most of the people in this video. Now...I can only name a handful. On a side note, my music teacher would allow us to bring in music into class that we could share with the class. a lot of my classmates were way ahead of the curve. One guy brought in an MC Hammer tape one week and the next week I brought in the new Vanilla Ice tape. You know...back when he actually was cool. Well, the tape proved just legit enough to quit. Nobody in class liked it and I was branded a dork. You win some, you lose some.

Track 3: Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) by C&C Music Factory: This is another benchmark record of my childhood. I knew the words and I'd rap it and sing it in my pre-pubescent soprano while I was alone in my room with Casey Kasem playing in the background. When I was a child every Sunday my mother and I would drive around rural MoCo and listen to Casey's Top 40. I don't really remember one instance when this happened, but the amalgam of each of these Sunday mornings lives on in my memory and I'll always smile whenever I hear Casey Kasem. Thanks Case.

Track 4: The Humpty Dance by Digital Underground: This was such a revolutionary song when I was a kid. Or maybe just to me and my generation. It was more provocative than any song I'd ever heard. I had a vague notion that "the humpty dance" meant the same thing as boning, but I wasn't 100% positive. This song sent me down the road of depravity. It was my gateway drug to things that are now much more filthy. I spent the whole year of 7th grade in a Burger King bathroom...just in case.

Track 5: Whatta Man by Salt N' Pepa featuring En Vogue: This was the hottest video on TV until Red Light Special by TLC. It wasn't all sexy, but when Salt and Pepa are simulating post-or-pre-coital embraces with their men...for a middle-schooler that was pretty crazy. A video that made me supremely curious about the womanly figure, a thing that I still haven't entirely figured out.

Track 6: My Lovin' (Never Gonna Get It) by En Vogue: If you grew up when I did and you don't like this song, you're crazy. I didn't even care about the lyrics. They never applied to me. Sonically, though, it's such a hip song. It's so tight and seamlessly pretty and defiant at the same time that you just can't help but love it. It's funky and sexy...and the BREAKDOWN toward the end! En Vogue: they give to the needy, not the greedy (mmhmm that's right!). This is one of my favorite songs of all time. Without a doubt.

Track 7: The Power by Snap: Not much to say here. It's not a great song, just one that was ubiquitous for a while in the early 90s. It has that cowbell the kids are talking about. I can't believe I've had 2 and a half 40s and I'm still able to talk about Snap.

Track 8: Express Yourself by NWA: I didn't start loving this song until recently. When I was a kid NWA was nothing more than one of those forbidden bands that a kid can't ever listen to. I remember when I found out what NWA stands for: I was kind of taken aback. I grew up in a very diverse neighborhood. There were people of every color at my elementary school and NWA opened my eyes that people who looked different might have neuroses and anger toward white people. Also, the song is just so good. The hook and the rap that Dr. Dre spits are incredible.

Track 9: Bust a Move by Young MC: I wish my introduction to rap was by someone important like Run DMC (although during much of my childhood, I had a Run DMC poster on my wall. I won it at a fair, along with a poster of a good looking cowgirl covering her bosom with a cowboy hat. I couldn't keep that one on my wall. Obviously.) or Boogie Down Productions, but it was Young MC that broke my hip hop cherry. I guess in the same way you can't choose your family, you can't choose who introduces you to something. Young MC and Tone Loc are the two gentlemen who shaped my musical tastes.

Track 10: Just a Friend by Biz Markie: Usually you hear about rappers being the biggest players in the game, but this song is all about loss and rejection. It's a song that we can all actually relate to. I've never popped any caps, nor have I sold yayo or rock, but I have been rejected. I feel like this song is more important when viewed as a cultural phenomenon than a rap song. It's one of the most perfect pop songs ever crafted if only because it applies to everybody. I think I saw the video on Beavis and Butthead for the first time, too. Who woulda thunk?

Track 11: Funky Cold Medina by Tone Loc: I'm not sure what it means or whether it has anything to do with Islam's second holiest city, but this song was a companion piece to Bust a Move in shaping my musical tastes. It's crazy, though, because Tone Loc's two hits basically sound the same. In the same way that Baby One More Time and Oops I Did It Again sound the same. Tone Loc is probably a better actor than he is a rapper. If you've seen his work you know that that's nothing to brag about. Just sayin'.

Track 12: It's Tricky by Run DMC: I haven't really gotten into Run DMC until recently, but this song in an anthem. It's not really applicable to anybody by rappers. Or maybe it's a metaphor. Maybe it "it" is life and they're saying that life is tricky. Or maybe I'd slightly drunk. I'm not completely sure.

Track 13: Shoop by Salt N' Pepa: How could I forget this song? This was one of the first CD singles I ever purchased (along with that Janet Jackson song...the pretty one from Janet? I think it's called Again) and I love it unreservedly. One of my secret, pointless talents is rapping most of this song. Rapping, though, is a science and I haven't quite perfected it. I know it seems weird that my song of choice for rapping is Shoop. Look...I don't go around judging you.

Track 14: U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer: My favorite part of this song is the sample from Rick James' Superfreak. This is only the intermediary in the Superfreak life cycle. Jay-Z, who is a better rapper than MC Hammer and Rick James, released a song that used this as a sample. It's amazing. U Can't Touch This has almost wandered into the realm of kitsch. When you listen to it now, you can't honestly make a claim that it's a good song. It isn't really, but nostalgia seems to trump quality. At least it does with me.

Track 15: Baby Got Back by Sir Mix a Lot: The most culturally relevant part of the song is the first 32 seconds where the valley girl is talking about the black girl. The valley girl was the paragon of what it was to be white in the 90s. Sir Mix a Lot satirizes this in the first 32 seconds of this song and does so without contrition. This an anthem not just for African American men but also against the media-driven notion that the fashion industry is trying to cram the notion that beauty is only size 2 down our throats. Whether he does this unintentionally or not doesn't matter. This song is important. Or maybe I'm drunk. Again...I can't tell. I like using alcohol as a license to write whatever I want.

Track 16: Whoomp! (There It Is) by Tag Team: Biggie and Tupac. 50 and Kanye. The Game and everybody else. All of these rap feuds owe some thanks to the feud between Tag Team and 95 South, which was dreadful if not bloody. Whoomp! (There It Is) was and is the superior song, but good on ya to 95 South for trying to go up against a juggernaut. Maybe next time they could try using a song that wasn't so similar to the original. Think about it, guys.

Track 17: Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff and Will Smith: A lot of people don't know that Will Smith was actually a really good rapper. After he sky-rocketed to fame he kind of abandoned hip hop for acting. This song, in my book, is his masterpiece. It's just hip enough to appeal to the die hard hip hop fans and just poppy enough to appeal to the masses. Say what you will about Will Smith. No matter what, he has a deep and worthy catalog of songs under his belt. Do you ever thing that DJ Jazzy Jeff is like the Billy Carter to Will Smith's Jimmy Carter? Think about it.


Anyway...that's the end of the CD. Unfortunately. Thanks to all my readers who tolerated two weeks in a row of guest-post-less Fridays. Have a good weekend.