Bad Moon Rising

Tracy: Oh my god, Lexi, did you SEE the new trailer for New Moon? It looks so good!!

Lexi: Is it on the interwebz??? Show it to me.

(They watch the trailer. Tracy's squees drown out most of the audio. The trailer ends.)

Tracy: Didn't that look amazing??? With Jasper all losing his shit over Bella's paper cut? And Edward totally saving her? I wish there were guys like that. I wish my boyfriend would stop punching me in the calf. That asshole should be more like Edward.

(Pregnant Pause)

Lexi: What? Does Paul hit y-

Tracy: No. Forget it.

Lexi: Okay. Because if he is, that's really messed up.

Tracy: (rolls eyes at Lexi) Whatever. Didn't you just love that though? I can't wait to see it!

Lexi: (nonplussed) Yeah. Yeah, I guess it was pretty cool. The part where Edward saved Bella. That was interesting.

Tracy: And the part where Jacob saves Bella from that asshole, Laurent? How AMAZING WAS THAT!!!?

Lexi: Yeah, that was alright, I suppose....but...

Tracy: What?

Lexi: Nothing. It's nothing.

Tracy: No, what's wrong?

Lexi: Well...I was just thinking about that. About all of it.

Tracy: I know...THOSE ABS! He's so h-

Lexi: No...no, not about that. I mean, yeah, he's hot, but that's not what I was thinking about.

Tracy: What is it, Lex?

Lexi: Well...it's kind of a problem I've been having with the whole Twilight series.

Tracy: Twilight doesn't have problems, Lexi. It is perfect.

Lexi: Yeah, I know that, but...

Tracy: But what, Lex? But what?!

Lexi: What do vampires hate?

Tracy: Garlic.

Lexi: And?

Tracy: Wood through the heart?

Lexi: Yes, which makes me wonder why they cast Kristen Stewart as Bella. But I digress...what else do they hate?

Tracy: Bitches who question the integrity of Twilight?

Lexi: I mean...maybe they hate that, too. But what's the biggy? The major thing that defines vampires across the wide spectrum of vampires stories? What are they all afraid of?

Tracy: The sun?

Lexi: THE SUN! Good! So...

Tracy: So what?

Lexi: Work with me, Trace. So...the vampires in Forks love the sun?

Tracy: No, they hate it, too.

Lexi: And Laurent? Does he hate it?

Tracy: Of course...

Lexi: What did you notice about the fight between Laurent and Jacob?

Tracy: Jacob's rockin' abs. How he ferociously protected Bella?

Lexi: You're close. What else?

Tracy: They were in a forest?

Lexi: And?

Tracy: And...Jacob has amazing abs?

Lexi: What time of day was it?

Tracy: Midday, I guess. I dunno. Not night, not dusk, not dawn.

Lexi. Exactly. EXACTLY.

Tracy: So what?

Lexi: Well...let's ignore the fact that Jacob changed himself willingly, without a full moon. Big deal. The part I can't get past is that Laurent is walking around in the middle of the day without any problem.

Tracy: It's cloudy.

Lexi: Really? Seriously, Tracy? The answer to the biggest problem vampires have ever faced is to move to a place where it is constantly overcast?

Tracy: Makes sense to me. No sun, no problem.

Lexi: Let me ask you something: are there plants and trees in Forks?

Tracy: Dude...they're fighting in a forest.

Lexi: So that must mean...

Tracy: That the woods block out the sun even more.

(beat)

Lexi: PHOTOSYNTHESIS! IF THERE ARE TREES, THEY MUST HAVE PHOTOSYNTHESISED SUNLIGHT INTO ENERGY! THE SUN!

Tracy: You can photosynthesize my ass, Lexi. New Moon looks awesome.

Lexi: Except that it was written by people who don't understand the most basic biological process?

Tracy: It's just a movie.

Lexi: Whatever. You're just a movie.

Tracy: Jacob is really hot, though, right?

(pause)

Lexi: (heavy sigh) Yeah...Yeah he's really hot.

fin