Tne Albatross Sleeps the Night

For my 200th post I am announcing that I am no longer shooting albatross.


I'm writing on another blog.

jimeustice.wordpress.com

Hope to see you there.
It's been a blast.

Puppies.

Puppies are undeniably cute. Especially French bulldog puppies.
Videos of puppies doing things...it can be anything really...are cute.

Undeniably.



But...isn't it kind of sick that whoever shot this video decided to shoot the video instead of...i don't know...helping their dog roll over?

Am I wrong?

That's My Philosophy

I think college would have been much more unpredictable and scary if we all had three or four professors like this or this.


I did have a philosophy professor who scared the shit out of everybody, intimated he may have been tortured, smoked and held a pipe during class and may have been involved in amatuer kickboxing. He kind of looked like Sagat from Street Fighter II without the eyepatch. I've never seen the two of them in the same place at the same time...so let's just say that Sagat tought me philosophy.

You'll Never See This Face Again

I love this kid because he's taking things so seriously. I just want to shake some sense into him and tell him to chill out. I really can't help laughing at him. Kids are cute that way, when they're acting like they're really going to run away.

I almost ran away when I was about that age, but I only made it to between the two cars in our carport. I think my parents, after realizing that I wasn't lost forever, had a nice laugh about it.

The Easter Bunny

I found this video on fark and I thought it should be shared with the world. I'm amazed that it's not staged. The woman who is being interviewed is either a extremely crazy or a genius of the highest caliber.

You decide.

Dear The Economist,

What's so great about Pittsburgh?

Love,
Jim

I received an email from Netflix reading:

For Wednesday, August 19: Repulsion



Now I knew it meant that I was receiving the 1965 Polanski film, but I was kind of amazed that sometimes Netflix could also predict what I'm going to be feeling about my life on a given day.





I hope sometime in the near future it's less Repulsion and Life on Mars and more Happy Go Lucky.

Bad Moon Rising

Tracy: Oh my god, Lexi, did you SEE the new trailer for New Moon? It looks so good!!

Lexi: Is it on the interwebz??? Show it to me.

(They watch the trailer. Tracy's squees drown out most of the audio. The trailer ends.)

Tracy: Didn't that look amazing??? With Jasper all losing his shit over Bella's paper cut? And Edward totally saving her? I wish there were guys like that. I wish my boyfriend would stop punching me in the calf. That asshole should be more like Edward.

(Pregnant Pause)

Lexi: What? Does Paul hit y-

Tracy: No. Forget it.

Lexi: Okay. Because if he is, that's really messed up.

Tracy: (rolls eyes at Lexi) Whatever. Didn't you just love that though? I can't wait to see it!

Lexi: (nonplussed) Yeah. Yeah, I guess it was pretty cool. The part where Edward saved Bella. That was interesting.

Tracy: And the part where Jacob saves Bella from that asshole, Laurent? How AMAZING WAS THAT!!!?

Lexi: Yeah, that was alright, I suppose....but...

Tracy: What?

Lexi: Nothing. It's nothing.

Tracy: No, what's wrong?

Lexi: Well...I was just thinking about that. About all of it.

Tracy: I know...THOSE ABS! He's so h-

Lexi: No...no, not about that. I mean, yeah, he's hot, but that's not what I was thinking about.

Tracy: What is it, Lex?

Lexi: Well...it's kind of a problem I've been having with the whole Twilight series.

Tracy: Twilight doesn't have problems, Lexi. It is perfect.

Lexi: Yeah, I know that, but...

Tracy: But what, Lex? But what?!

Lexi: What do vampires hate?

Tracy: Garlic.

Lexi: And?

Tracy: Wood through the heart?

Lexi: Yes, which makes me wonder why they cast Kristen Stewart as Bella. But I digress...what else do they hate?

Tracy: Bitches who question the integrity of Twilight?

Lexi: I mean...maybe they hate that, too. But what's the biggy? The major thing that defines vampires across the wide spectrum of vampires stories? What are they all afraid of?

Tracy: The sun?

Lexi: THE SUN! Good! So...

Tracy: So what?

Lexi: Work with me, Trace. So...the vampires in Forks love the sun?

Tracy: No, they hate it, too.

Lexi: And Laurent? Does he hate it?

Tracy: Of course...

Lexi: What did you notice about the fight between Laurent and Jacob?

Tracy: Jacob's rockin' abs. How he ferociously protected Bella?

Lexi: You're close. What else?

Tracy: They were in a forest?

Lexi: And?

Tracy: And...Jacob has amazing abs?

Lexi: What time of day was it?

Tracy: Midday, I guess. I dunno. Not night, not dusk, not dawn.

Lexi. Exactly. EXACTLY.

Tracy: So what?

Lexi: Well...let's ignore the fact that Jacob changed himself willingly, without a full moon. Big deal. The part I can't get past is that Laurent is walking around in the middle of the day without any problem.

Tracy: It's cloudy.

Lexi: Really? Seriously, Tracy? The answer to the biggest problem vampires have ever faced is to move to a place where it is constantly overcast?

Tracy: Makes sense to me. No sun, no problem.

Lexi: Let me ask you something: are there plants and trees in Forks?

Tracy: Dude...they're fighting in a forest.

Lexi: So that must mean...

Tracy: That the woods block out the sun even more.

(beat)

Lexi: PHOTOSYNTHESIS! IF THERE ARE TREES, THEY MUST HAVE PHOTOSYNTHESISED SUNLIGHT INTO ENERGY! THE SUN!

Tracy: You can photosynthesize my ass, Lexi. New Moon looks awesome.

Lexi: Except that it was written by people who don't understand the most basic biological process?

Tracy: It's just a movie.

Lexi: Whatever. You're just a movie.

Tracy: Jacob is really hot, though, right?

(pause)

Lexi: (heavy sigh) Yeah...Yeah he's really hot.

fin

Righting the Ship

People are downright OUTRAGED with Obamacare and even his supporters are starting to question his motives, efficacy and foresight.

So, if the detractors know so much about such a complex issue as health care reform, one question lingers on my mind.

Where the hell have you been for the past 8 years, when the previous administration thought it would be a good idea to mix out-of-control spending with irresponsible tax cuts? Why wasn't there mainstream uproar about that?

What the Obama administration is not trying to do is bilk you out of your hard-earned money. What the current administration is doing is reconciling the past 8 years of financial incompetence that had become the norm.

Maybe the public really does want Mr. Obama to look the other way, play golf and make us believe that we're still safe, happy, healthy and rich. Maybe it's better for morale to ignore the financial crisis and the fact if we do not reform health care it's going to be so much worse for our children and grandchildren (because that's who we're concerned for, right?). Maybe it's good for the country that the President, the man who is supposed to make the tough decisions, avoid them until he absolutely has to face them.

Or maybe we should trust that the current administration is staffed with people who know more about the problem than we do ad we should listen to what they are trying to tell us. We need to make recompense for the missteps we have allowed to be made for the past eight years.

Mad Men

The Countdown Begins!






August 16th. Watch it.

Blockbuster Exclusive

I was in the local Blockbuster today for the new releases and I overheard a guy and his kid talking about which movie would be suitable and kid-friendly enough to see.


The kid was hell bent on seeing Obsessed, a Fatal Attraction ripoff starring Stringer Bell, Sasha Fierce and Niki Sanders, but his father (rightfully so, I suppose) wouldn't let him see it because it was too adult. It certainly is too "adult" for kids, but this kid was relentless.

"But it's about an affair and murder and things. You don't want to watch that stuff."

So what movie does the father suggest?

Maybe a fun, family-friendly animated adventure like Bolt? Or the mediocre Race to Witch Mountain?


No. Of course not.


"Why don't we rent Watchmen? Isn't that the newest kids movie?"


He suggests Watchmen, which is not only rated R, but is also, to an extent, about an affair and murder and things.


The kid ended up with The Fast and Furious, which I suppose is a decent compromise. What bad could come from that movie? Other than maybe learning at an early age that circumventing the law is acceptable and often rewarded with fast cars, loose women and ball-rockin' soundtracks...


I'm not asking for everybody to be as in the know as I am when it comes to film, but paying attention for five seconds might help, especially when you're trying to rear a child.

Appalachian St. QB sidelined with mowing injury

Appalachian St. QB sidelined with mowing injury

Posted using ShareThis




One more reason JMU is better than App St.
We don't lose players to mowing injuries.



Just sayin', Mountaineers. Just sayin.

Conversations I Wish I Could Have Had, Part 2

I went to the doctor's office this morning to check on this abdominal discomfort I've been feeling for about a fortnight. I know I should have gone sooner, but it wasn't painful...so I waited a while.

She told me that she thinks I'm just kind of clogged up and that I need a cleanse. I told her that I shower at least every day, realizing, of course, that it was not my epidermis that needed cleansing, but my...how to put this delicately...my alimentary canal.


So I went to CVS and picked up a cornucopia of tools, elixirs and pills meant to facilitate the kind of cleanse my doctor had prescribed. I went to the front of the store and bought my cure, under the gaze of furrowed brows and veiled smirks from those behind and in front of me.


I really wish I had said this:

Me, to the check-out woman: I know what you're thinking.
Check-out Woman: What's that?
Me: You're thinking that this guy (insert pregnant pause, point to self for emphasis) this guy is going to have an amazing weekend.



But, of course, I bought my expensive laxatives and went on my way.

Warren Moon

Heard on ESPN:

Sportscaster: Here's is Hall of Famer Warren Moon, author of the new book Never Give Up on Your Dream. What's your message with this book, Warren?





Really?
Maybe his message is that there's no place like home.
Or that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Or that an apple a day keeps the doctor away.


Or maybe his message is that you should NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR GODDAMN DREAMS!

Come on, ESPN.

Conversations I Wish I Could Have Part 1

Sometimes somebody will say something to me and my immediate instinct is to respond with something snarky or uncouth.

This is one of those times.


This is a conversation I wish I could have on facebook.

Person from Past: I went horseback riding in the Estonian countryside today. What did you do today?
What I'd Like to Say: I defriended you, that's what.

But I didn't do that. Maybe I should have. I have "known" this person for about 25 years, although only peripherally for the past 15. It doesn't help her cause that she stopped talking to me because she was afraid I was going to rape her while we walked home from school. Middle school. Because all I could think about in middle school was forcing myself onto a marginally pretty girl I'd known since kindergarten who was also dating a 6'3" 13-year-old.

If I had a time machine, before going back in time to slap the first McDonald's burger out of my hand, I'd go back to middle school to tell that girl not to flatter herself.

Middle school was really, really bad. I liked high school because I fell into a crowd of kindred spirits, but middle school was the worst.

I Had the Time of My Life

After seeing this, I now like Charlyne Yi, Channing Tatum and Dirty Dancing!

Way to go, whoever made this video.

I got a new car yesterday.

Well...new to me. And it's not exactly an unfamiliar model.
It's pretty much the same car, just a newer model, less miles on it and some nice little bells and whistles.


It's not a sexy car and I wouldn't call it "cherry" (I would never call anything but the fruit that, though), but I like it.


Even if the brakes seem to be made entirely out of Sean Cassidy's vocal chords.

Making Pancakes

Okay...Megan Fox can wait for a second...
This morning was my first attempt at making pancakes from scratch. I've made harder things before and they have always come out tasting good, so why not give pancakes a go?



Who screws up pancakes?






I do, that's who.

But they're pancakes! They're so easy!
Who cares if I was missing half a cup of flour?
Who cares if there is a hot spot on the griddle?
Who cares if the batter is too thin?



They were bad. So bad.
Too thin. Too fluffy. No substance.



They exist in direct and brazen defiance of God's will. Another gustatory mystery has eluded me: first nutella, now pancakes.

Enlightenment

Being unemployed at the moment has been very enlightening, which is a double-edged sword: it's nice because I'm thinking and doing things that gainful employment has prevented me from doing, like becoming more enlightened.

Too bad enlightenment won't pay my shockingly high mobile phone bill.



Enlightenment 1:
Why aren't we all wearing men's bathing suits instead of regular clothing? My bathing suit is the most comfortable piece of clothing I own. So why are we worrying about silly things like underwear when we could make all of our clothing like a bathing suit?


Enlightenment 2:
Cars have to be up to a certain standard before they are sold, but what is stopping us from being able to create our own car? Following certain standards and constraints, shouldn't we be the ones to decided what bells and whistles we have and how big or small our interior is? How has this technology not been invented? I know you can "build your own" car on most automobile websites, but it's not really the same as actually designing your own car. We should be able to do this.


Enlightenment 3:
If spiders are so necessary to our way of life (they say that if spiders didn't exist, we'd be inundated with other insects), isn't there a way to genetically mutate them so that they don't look so gross and creepy? Like...could be make them look like tribbles? I'm convinced that tribbles are really future spiders that have been mutated to look less icky. Insects are dangerous and annoying, so I don't want to make spiders less lethal to them, but I'd like to make them a little more nice looking. If only because they are really interesting and I'd like to read about them on wikipedia, but I can't because of the pictures. I may have a phobia.


Enlightenment 4:
Megan Fox is too hot. More about this tomorrow.

Feel the Magic

George Sherrill, the closer for the Baltimore Orioles, is the subject of many trade rumors because teams still in contention for the playoffs want his able pitching arm. They think it will give them a better opportunity to win.


It certainly should. George Sherrill has been one of the few consistently good things about the Baltimore Orioles of late and would certainly bring his work ethic, willingness to pitch in whatever situation necessary and his clubhouse presence to the highest bidder. He's arguably one of the reasons the Orioles are 41-53 and not, oh I don't know, 28-67. Will he win a team the World Series outright? No, of course not; but he would certainly help.


The Orioles are a rebuilding team and have been for about 3 years, having moved up from perennial cellar-dweller, a position they have held since the Maier Incident happened in 1996. They're still dwelling in the cellar, but...you just wait...whether it's their stockpile of young talent in the minors or the equity of fate they have built up over the years, I am sure that the Orioles will be a first place team in the near future (we're talking like 3 or 4 years, folks).


So when Sherrill says that he wants to be a part of the impending resurgence of Orioles Magic, can you honestly afford to trade him? I say that if he wants to stay, keep him. Am I crazy about this?