Making Pancakes

Okay...Megan Fox can wait for a second...
This morning was my first attempt at making pancakes from scratch. I've made harder things before and they have always come out tasting good, so why not give pancakes a go?



Who screws up pancakes?






I do, that's who.

But they're pancakes! They're so easy!
Who cares if I was missing half a cup of flour?
Who cares if there is a hot spot on the griddle?
Who cares if the batter is too thin?



They were bad. So bad.
Too thin. Too fluffy. No substance.



They exist in direct and brazen defiance of God's will. Another gustatory mystery has eluded me: first nutella, now pancakes.

Enlightenment

Being unemployed at the moment has been very enlightening, which is a double-edged sword: it's nice because I'm thinking and doing things that gainful employment has prevented me from doing, like becoming more enlightened.

Too bad enlightenment won't pay my shockingly high mobile phone bill.



Enlightenment 1:
Why aren't we all wearing men's bathing suits instead of regular clothing? My bathing suit is the most comfortable piece of clothing I own. So why are we worrying about silly things like underwear when we could make all of our clothing like a bathing suit?


Enlightenment 2:
Cars have to be up to a certain standard before they are sold, but what is stopping us from being able to create our own car? Following certain standards and constraints, shouldn't we be the ones to decided what bells and whistles we have and how big or small our interior is? How has this technology not been invented? I know you can "build your own" car on most automobile websites, but it's not really the same as actually designing your own car. We should be able to do this.


Enlightenment 3:
If spiders are so necessary to our way of life (they say that if spiders didn't exist, we'd be inundated with other insects), isn't there a way to genetically mutate them so that they don't look so gross and creepy? Like...could be make them look like tribbles? I'm convinced that tribbles are really future spiders that have been mutated to look less icky. Insects are dangerous and annoying, so I don't want to make spiders less lethal to them, but I'd like to make them a little more nice looking. If only because they are really interesting and I'd like to read about them on wikipedia, but I can't because of the pictures. I may have a phobia.


Enlightenment 4:
Megan Fox is too hot. More about this tomorrow.

Feel the Magic

George Sherrill, the closer for the Baltimore Orioles, is the subject of many trade rumors because teams still in contention for the playoffs want his able pitching arm. They think it will give them a better opportunity to win.


It certainly should. George Sherrill has been one of the few consistently good things about the Baltimore Orioles of late and would certainly bring his work ethic, willingness to pitch in whatever situation necessary and his clubhouse presence to the highest bidder. He's arguably one of the reasons the Orioles are 41-53 and not, oh I don't know, 28-67. Will he win a team the World Series outright? No, of course not; but he would certainly help.


The Orioles are a rebuilding team and have been for about 3 years, having moved up from perennial cellar-dweller, a position they have held since the Maier Incident happened in 1996. They're still dwelling in the cellar, but...you just wait...whether it's their stockpile of young talent in the minors or the equity of fate they have built up over the years, I am sure that the Orioles will be a first place team in the near future (we're talking like 3 or 4 years, folks).


So when Sherrill says that he wants to be a part of the impending resurgence of Orioles Magic, can you honestly afford to trade him? I say that if he wants to stay, keep him. Am I crazy about this?

Razzzberries!

One of the more bizarre pieces of ephemera that I have seen on the interwebz is that Carol Channing might be the subject of a biopic. This news leaves me pleased as punch, young man.

I have an inexplicable and slightly creepy ardor for all things Channing. You see, she played a prominent role in my childhood. In the early 80s, the suits at Big TV thought it would be a dandy idea to make a campy, creepy adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. It was split into two made-for-TV movies, one a straight adaptation in the vein of the 50s Disney cartoon and the second, where Alice goes through the looking glass. Anybody who has seen it can attest to the low quality of the first part and the high quality of the second. It stars Channing and Ann Jillian as the White and Red queens, respectively, along with Patrick Duffy, Red Buttons, Karl Malden, Pat Morita, John Stamos, Sally Struthers...hang on, I've lost my breath...Johnathan Winters as Humpty Dumpty and more. AND MORE AND MORE! Is that something you might be interested in?

Here's one of the reasons why I love Carol Channing and this adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. Just watch, especially the end:

See? Amazing, right? Who knew Alice would find out that Carol Channing is either a creepy shapeshifter like Sam Merlotte or, quite possibly, in league with the devil. Either way, her presence leaves me in shock and awe. We should have sent Carol Channing to find bin Laden. She would have put on her Sunday clothes, blown rasberries at those terrorists and given them a thoroughly modern ass-kicking.

Because Carol Channing doesn't get beat.

She gets mad!

When speculation that she'd have a biopic made about her, I thought "Of course!" Then I read this article in which Channing approves and endorses Johnny Depp's desire to play her. I nearly lost my mind. Johnny Depp as Carol Channing?

YES! A MILLION TIMES YES!

Don't stop believing, people. Let's make this happen by making our voices heard around the globe. We want this movie. We neeeeeeeed this movie.

Or else Carol will get us all...

Susan the Gardener

I heard Meredith Viera's interview with Susan Boyle and a lot was being made about how courageous and uplifting her story is and while it is a legitimate nice story, are we maybe taking things a bit far? This thing happened months ago.

Pretty soon she's going to be meeting with Warren Buffett and Barack Obama for her advice on foreign and economic policy, being treated as some kind of king maker. Or maybe she'll meet with Melvyn Douglas and Jack Warden. And then, when her rich benefactor shrugs off his mortal coil, Susan Boyle will bid farewell to the public, umbrella and valise in hand, and walk across a pond, into the blue, cloudy firmament as Barack Obama states that life is just a state of mind.

I'm not hating. Susan Boyle should be given credit where it is due, but lets not lionize the woman yet. I'm just saying...I already saw that movie and Susan Boyle...she ain't no Chance Gardiner.

The Cure for a Bad...Month

I'm not much into celebrity gossip or who is dating whom, but when I heard that Michael Cera is dating Charlyne Yi, I couldn't help thinking one thing.

It's not because of her looks: I'm not personally attracted to her, but she's pretty, albeit unconventionally. It's her shtick. GQ describes her as awkwardly self-amused and the description seems apt. I describe her as annoying. I guess that's why I don't work at GQ, among many other reasons.

I don't know...something about her.

Infinite Jest

I'm not sure why David Foster Wallace, one of America's preeminent novelists, killed himself last year.

Hell, I'm not entirely sure why
anybody kills themselves...life just seems way too precious, no matter how shitty it can get sometimes.

I've read that he suffered from severe depression and my sincere hope, even though I didn't know the man, is that he found some kind of peace in death.



He wrote a novel called Infinite Jest that is, apparently, very difficult to finish.

Now that I'm a man of leisure (hopefully not for long...I do love that paycheck), I've decided to take the Infinite Jest challenge. I've tried reading difficult novels (Foucault's Pendulum, Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake) with very little success. I have a feeling that getting through Wallace's 1079-page tome is going to be difficult, but I need to do this.

Who's comin' with me?

Manny Acta, until last night, was the manager of the woefully bad Washington Nationals. After a 26-61 start, Acta was fired.

The man who fired him, Mike Rizzo, is quoted as having said:

We feel that the team has underachieved,...[w]e feel we have a better ball club than we've shown on the field...[w]e feel with a different voice and possibly a different feel in the clubhouse that we can have a more successful second half of the season.

So...if you want a change in tone in the clubhouse, why would you hire your bench coach, Jim Riggleman, who doesn't exactly have a winning record either?

Jim Riggleman, whose high school I've been to (it's in Rockville, so it automatically sucks), values discipline over Acta's patience and positive reinforcement. If you were one of the Nationals' young pitchers, which would you prefer? If morale is already low, how can it help to take away the patient, level-headed optimist?

How does it help Acta to scorn free agency? How would a few veteran pitchers helped in the starting rotation and the bullpen? Sure, the hitting in Nationals Park is fine, but what does that matter when they don't have pitchers that can keep the opposing team from scoring 7 runs?

Manny Acta never had a chance. That's why I can't get behind the Nationals. The team's leadership continues to sell a horrible product. I feel sorry for the Nationals fans because they've been starving for a team for decades and now the get this: all-around disarray and incompetence.

I've Made a Horrible Mistake

Step 1:
Resign from current position that is making me miserable and ask for a new one, without much certainty of getting it.

Step 2:
???

Step 3:
Fame, fortune, a happy love life, a nice home, a place in the annals of Western Civilization


Got step 1 out of the way today.
Now...let's make step 3 happen.



Who's comin' with me?

Captain Planet Drives a Humvee

Ever wonder what your favorite cartoons are like off-screen?

Me too, America.

Me too.

Thanks to the fine people of Cracked.com, we now know some dirty secrets.

I do question Cracked's judgement of Steamboat Mickey. He is the following list twice and the lower offense seems much more serious that the higher one, ranked number 3...but maybe it's not.

You be the judge.

25 Awful Secrets of Your Favorite Cartoon Characters

Scott Kazmir's Underpants

I went into a local comic book/card store.

I don't think the guy had any good comics and had, maybe, a few great sports cards.

But the guy was speaking some kind of Eastern European language to someone on an old cell phone and called me "buddy", so I had to buy something. I wanted to wake up with both of my kidneys, after all.

So I bought some packs of cards: 4 old 1990 basketball cards, 2 packs of opeechee hockey cards and 2 packs of new Upper Deck baseball cards.

The basketball cards and hockey cards were a waste of time, but boy am I glad I bought the baseball cards because I got my first memorabilia card!

That's a card with a piece of game-used material in it...like a uniform or a bat.

So now I'm the proud owner of a piece of Scott Kazmir's uniform.

Now...who wants to touch me?

First Time Shame on You, 900th Time Shame on Me

Marion Barry arrested



At what point is this headline going to stop being news?

Errol Morris' documentary The Fog of War teaches us a good lesson.
In the documentary, Robert McNamara imparts on the audience a glut of learned knowledge, mostly about war, but, perhaps metaphorically, about life as well.
The most striking thing about the documentary is how penitent McNamara comes across for having drafted the blueprints of the Vietnam War.
He seemed regretful for having gotten the country into such a monumental pickle. Of course, to say that he "got us into it" is a gross simplification of such a complex event, but...for the sake of argument.

I think one of the things McNamara was driving at is that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do for the greater good.
I think that's a fairly common belief.

But is it true? Do we really have to do so many things we don't want to out of necessity?

My job makes me want to drive into trees so that I can justify missing a couple days.
Do I need to stay at that job out of necessity?
Sure, I need the money.
But do I need it bad enough to trick myself into thinking there are no better options?

My friends and family all say that I need a job...and they're correct. Absolutely.

But do I need this one?
In this town?
At this pay grade?

My first reaction to those questions is a reluctant and weak yes, but after thinking about the question, I've come to the conclusion that all answers point in the direction of a giant, resounding, purple-neon-lighted no.

Why do we find so much comfort in the security of present conditions? Why do we feel the need to fall into place and live with discomfort or unhappiness?
Is the comfort really worth the pain?

Not to me, it's not. That's what I learned from Robert McNamara.

The Contender

One of my favorite actors is Karl Malden. He brought a quiet intensity to every role I have seen him play...that is until he boils over with rage. He can go from zero to 60 in less time than a McLaren. Lead and character actors past and present owe a debt of gratitude to men like Karl Malden (and to a slightly lesser degree, Rod Steiger). He was never as famous as Brando or Heston, but in a lot of ways he could act circles around both.

My favorite Malden role was his turn as Archie Lee Meighan in the Kazan-directed, Tennessee Williams-written Babydoll. He plays a man who married the teenage Baby Doll and promises the girl's dying father that they will not consummate the marriage until she turns 20. It's a fantastic little film, as is the other Malden/Kazan/Williams collaborations.

Malden died today. He was 97.

"You want to know what's wrong with our waterfront? It's the love of a lousy buck. It's making love of a buck - -the cushy job - -more important than the love of man! "