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The Best Thing I've Seen All Day (Sort of NSFW)

Thank you, Doug Roberts, for sharing this with me.
The world is a happier place because of it.

Getting Ready

I have a problem.

Well, I have problems, but one seems to be a little more pressing.

I wake every weekday at 7am.

I don't leave the house earlier than 8:45.  

It's not that I spend all of my time primping and preening.

As my father says, I'm a world class piddler. 

In the morning, after my shower and before I leave I end up turning on the television while I'm clothing myself.

And what do you know?

The best movie ever ALWAYS comes on, so I'm forced to watch...until 9:15. 

This morning is was In Bruges.

Yesterday it was Hot Rod.

I own both of those movies.

I OWN them.  

Yet I still have to watch a little bit of them.

I have a problem.

Good share.

DC is the Most Depressing Sports City: Reason #48, 376

After you start off your season losing ten of your first 12 games, how can things get any worse?

Oh.

This is how.

NCIS

Excerpt of a conversation I keep hearing:

"Yeah, NCIS is so good!  I love it because it's so innovative and different than every other show I've seen."

Full disclosure?

I think NCIS is a decent procedural that will be fondly remembered by its fans, who are rabid and legion, but by virtually nobody else.    It's not a bad show, but it's not great.  

So why do people think this show is so wonderful?

It's a rehash of the same characters as other shows, the same relationships and the same solutions to the same crimes.  My parents watch it, but they never claim that they're watching something ground-breaking or mind-blowing.

This isn't like the time I slagged off Monk without watching it.  I've seen NCIS many times and it's okay...so someone in the know, please tell me what the big deal is.

An Open Letter to Mr. Daniel Snyder

Dear Mr. Snyder,

My name is Jim Eustice and I may have written an open letter to you before.  I'm not the most rabid Redskins fan, nor am I the loudest or flashiest.  In fact, I generally prefer watching the Skins in the privacy of my own home, barely clothed with a cool bottle of my favorite fermented beverage.  If that makes my opinion less valid or me less of a fan, so be it.

But there's one thing I just have to say to you.

Let me preface that by explaining that I heard on the local news that there was a plan to trade this year's top draft pick and next year's in order to pick University of Southern California quarterback Mark Sanchez.  I'll admit that in the previous two years Sanchez had very good numbers, ultimately leading his team to a crushing Rose Bowl victory over Penn State.  

The problem is this, bud.  Was Jason Campbell, our quarterback du jour, the problem?  Or did he crumble last year because of an aging offensive line?  Isn't that kind of why Portis' numbers start decreasing, too?  

I'm not averse to a trade that can strengthen the offensive line.  I even like Mark Sanchez, but if so much of football is contingent on the offensive line, what good is he?  How is he any different than Jason Campbell in regard to the weak offensive line?  Arguably, he's a better passer and a fresh start for Campbell and the Redskins might be exactly what the doctor ordered.  What if Campbell was playing for Minnesota?  I bet he'd do pretty well.  Minnesota can afford to start sub par quarterbacks because...they have a great offensive line.

And while the Redskins did have a great line, age isn't doing anybody any favors.

To sum up my point, sir, I've included a picture.

That round thing to the right of the little bench?

That's a wheel.  The Mesopotamians invented it thousands of years ago.

It still works great.  In fact, you could say that they broke the mold when the first wheel was made.  It was perfect.

Mister Snyder.  

I beg you.

I implore you.

Stop trying to invent the wheel.

It's been done.

Trade some draft picks, but for God's sake...for ALL of our sake...please trade for something that will actually address the problems at hand.  Please.

Thank you for your time, Mister Snyder, and if you ever need a general manager or...any kind of front office employee, really, keep me in mind.  

I only hope that next week you don't make a gigantic gaffe.

Love you,

Jim Eustice

On Doug Roberts: A Reckoning Part 1 (Slightly Unsafe for Work)

I've known Doug Roberts for a long time.  There are some simple facts you should know about him, too.

One amazing thing about Doug is that he moonlights as a turtle prostitute.  Don't ask me why he does it, but I speculate that it's neither the money nor the control that he's addicted to, but the thrill of it.  I can't say that old lady excitement has sunk her talons into my shoulder, but she has a firm grasp on Mister Roberts.  

He claims that he can quit whenever he wants, but I know that's a lie he's telling himself.  Every time we watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I see a glimmer in his eye and a reminiscent smirk cracked on his face, I know the truth.  Doug has fallen prey to these insatiable beasts.

It hasn't interfered with his life...yet.  I just hope that when the cards drop (and they will!) that we'll be able to pick up the pieces. 

I followed him one afternoon and snapped this photo, narrowly escaping with my life, so that you all would know the truth.

 Keep your eyes peeled, dear readers.  A friend's life may be at stake. 

Bo Knows Bo

Is it an act of treason to say that the new First Puppy is kind of ugly?

After watching a video of Bo and his Presidential entourage, I admit to falling a little bit in love with the ugly mutt.

I'm glad that Bo Obama is...wait.

Wait.

Bo Obama.

BoObama.

BOOBAMA!

It's like...like...boobs and Alabama!

Almost like boob-a-rama!

I think we should all welcome Boobama with open arms (especially you ladies).

As a silent representation of the Obama administration, you're tops.

Bears Will Be Bears

Polar Bear Bites Berliner's Butt

I don't think it's a false generalization to state that females love cute animals.  I'm not sure whether animals appeal to some primal, maternal desire present in all females or whether, you know, they just like cute animals.

It's fairly harmless.  Nobody ever gets hurt because they love cute animals.  

Except maybe in Berlin, where a grown woman scaled the protective barriers of the polar bear enclosure and got her self bit up.  We usually hear about little kids naively going into animal exhibits or just plain falling in...but never a grown person.

I guess most people think of polar bears as big, cuddly fluffballs.

Even when they're growling they look pretty harmless.

They're not.

Just ask Antarctica's seal population.

The most interesting angle of this story is that Knut, the two-year-old polar bear of moderate renown, was two feet away from the attack.  That Knut can't stay OUT of the news!

The media seems to be in agreement that this was a horrible tragedy and clearly another case of animals attacking, but when you examine what happen, ask yourself what the polar bear did wrong?  If some dumb kraut climbed into my enclosure, I'd bite her ass off, too. 

A New Beginning: Who I'm Not

I've been a pretty loyal watcher of Saturday Night Live since I was in grammar school.  It's never really been of great use to me other than shaping my sense of humor and, detrimentally, keeping me in on Saturday nights.  I know that sounds pathetic, but I really love the show.  I know it's been pretty bad up until very recently (Thank you, Lord, for Kristen Wiig), but every now and then something very funny will pop up.

Since I'm kind of starting anew with this blog, I thought I'd share one of the most recent, hilarious needles found in the large, mostly-unfunny haystack that was last week's Zac Efron episode.  I had such high hopes for Efron because he's the purtiest girl I ever seen.  Imagine my disappointment when Efron exhibited as much elan for sketch comedy as a corpse.  Oh well.

The following video is a great example of what the blogosphere has become and what I try to avoid at all costs: a group of bitter people without enough mental wherewithal to see that they're really just jealous.  Jealous of the talent that we celebrate in celebrities and of the success they have derived from it.  Other than being a very well-constructed joke, the following video dubs the blogosphere a bunch of nasally-voiced, uninformed prigs who have to slag off other people to make themselves feel valid or smart.  Snark is a weapon we use when we can't communicate why we don't like something.  Snark is ignorant.  Snark is passe. 

Snark is boring.

Well, that's not who I'm going to be: I don't want to mock things or people.  I will not compromise that for a more expansive readership or to make myself feel better.  There is much more to culture than whether I think it is good or not.  That attitude misses the mark.

Isn't it more interesting to examine why something is popular or why it is considered good?  My goal has always been to get to the bottom of things: to find the truth behind culture and use that truth as a beacon in the foggy environs of the public discourse, like Diogenes with his lantern. 

Am I always going to be right about the things I write about? Will I ever be right about them?  Of course not.  I recognize that everything I write is just as open to scrutiny as the things I am scrutinizing.  I've written it before: I like those celebrity blogs and I read them sometimes.

But will I stoop to that?  Can I afford to sacrifice my mind and creativity by pandering to the masses?

Bitch please.

Changes

I'm not sure that anybody reads this anymore.

I can't say I blame them.

I don't keep up a very tight schedule.



But that changes now.
So if anybody still reads this, keep reading. It's a struggle to build a readership, but...changes are coming.


In the mean time...on this special sunny Maundy Thursday, enjoy this video.

Fear the State Senate

I get that there is a large group of University of Maryland students that are upset by a state senator threatening to cut funding if a pornographic motion picture is shown on campus.

I get the issue: student's right to free speech without threat of consequences.

I agree that students' free speech should be protected under the First Amendment.





The bottom line, though, is that the students' Freedom of Speech is not being threatened, as obscenity is not protected under the First Amendment.

Sorry guys.

It's not moral for a senator to blatantly and cavalierly threaten a university based on his own moral hangups, but...it they want to win that war, they need to fight better battles.

Until Miller vs. California is overturned, or whatever SCotUS does to reverse decisions, the University of Maryland's refusal to show pornography is not only legal, but it's also the only prudent thing to do. The state really could cut funding to the school. Would they? I doubt it. But they certainly could.


So, maybe instead of bellyaching about not being able to show pornography on campus, maybe we should all be looking for something a little more productive to fight for. This just makes the exceptional students of the University of Maryland look like spoiled idiots.

Werner Her-ZING!

I never know how to deal with the rage that people feel toward directors who want to remake one of their favorite movies ("But it's a classic!") is being remade. I didn't think it was necessary to remake The Taking of Pelham 123, but I'm looking forward to seeing what Ridley Scott can do with the material.

In 1992, Abel Ferrera made a film called Bad Lieutenant starring Harvey Keitel about...you guessed it...a crooked cop. Fairly significant praise has been heaped onto the film and Ferrera, by proxy, and it's probably one of the fifty best crime movies made after 1973 (the start of the Scorsese crime film era). It's nowhere near as good as The Killing of a Chinese Bookie or Goodfellas, but, all things considered, Ferrera is pretty talented.

This year, Werner Herzog, who is roughly...5000 times the filmmaker that Ferrera is, decided to loosely remake Bad Lieutenant.

Ferrera was mad.
He was incensed.

He is quoted as saying this:

I wish these people die in hell. I hope they're all in the same streetcar, and it blows up.


Werner Herzog's response?
Let him fight the windmills, like Don Quixote.

I guess it seems insane that the guy who made King of New York is implying that Herzog is a whore. Herzog, the guy who schlepped a film crew through a Peruvian rain forest just to be authentic. Twice. Ferrara should be proud that a filmmaker as visionary as Herzog is even thinking of taking his story and remaking it. Ferrara can tell Herzog to die in hell when he makes a movie that's as good as the first 3 minutes of Aguirre, Wrath of God.


And that's what I have to say to the people who hate remakes.
Go to Spain and chase your goddamn windmills.