Disappointing Cultural Icons, Part 1: Pat's King of Steaks

I take cooking very seriously. To cook for someone is to show them you care enough about them to provide them with sustenance. It's like a reminder to people that you're happy they're alive. And food isn't a difficult science; if you know a couple of techniques, you can make fresh, quality ingredients taste wonderful. It's more difficult when you get into the art side of it. It's another form of self-expression. It doesn't need to be fancy to be good. Consider Eric Ripert (think reepear, not rippert): he owns four restaurants, including Le Bernardin, which is one of the most highly-regarded restaurants in Manhattan. You would think that he'd be somewhat of a snob about how he cooks or what he considers good food. Yet, his blog is comprised of videos in which he cooks good food in a toaster oven. There's nothing complex about anything he's cooking. He leaves out the pan-flipping and braising and straining and all of the other intimidating techniques used by the cooks of fine food. If you have ever wanted to learn how to cook delicious food, but have been daunted by the difficulty (it's all in your head, baby) of preparing food, watch Eric Ripert's "Get Toasted" series of videos. He should be linked somewhere to your right.

That being said, about a 15 months ago I went to Boston with a bunch of my buds, Alden and Andy of "comments" fame included. We were there for Alden's bachelor party and on the way home our friend Andrew took us on a detour through Philadelphia for one reason: to get one of their famous cheese steaks. While most of us were tired and just wanted to get home, we welcomed the pit stop (even if it was a bit out of the way) because we were curious about the much highly-lauded exploits of Pat's and Geno's, and more so because we were sick of regular road fast food. So we made our way into Philadelphia and parked across from Pat's King of Steaks.

At first glance it seemed like the perfect place to pick up some good street food. We might have gone to Geno's first, but the line seemed too long. Little did we know that the lines move fast at these places. After a quick tutorial of how to order given by Andrew, we reached the front of the line. With his able guidance, we successfully ordered and avoided the shame associated with being sent to the back of the line. It was like I was back in elementary school. With sandwich and beverage in tow, our group moved to the benches to eat our meal. We eagerly opened the hot package and dug in.

What went on in my mind, simultaneously, during that first bite are better expressed by bullet points. So, here's a chew-by-chew update:

• The bread doesn't seem to be that great. Clearly it was freshly baked, but when? It seems like there is more bread than needed.
  
• The cheese doesn't feel or taste like real cheese. It tastes like "cheez" which is not surprising because it is Cheez Whiz.
  
• The onions are not done and don't add much to the sandwich. Not sweet enough.
• The meat is kind of mealy. Mealy and greasy. And BLAND.
  
• The sandwich lacks something that I never thought it would: salt. Not just salt, but salt and pepper. It's as if the meat was not seasoned before cooking. You need to season the meat. You need to season EVERYTHING. If you don't, food comes off tasting bland.

Not to knock them too much, but Pat's was entirely disappointing. The greasiness, the blandness and the staleness really turned me off to Philly Cheese steaks. Am I saying, blatantly, that I could do better?

Screw it.

Yeah. I'll say that. I can do better.

I don't think it's a matter of the food quality, though. I think where Pat's is lacking is the way they cook. It's literally an assembly line. You spout off the coded order to them. The bread guy cuts the bread, the steak guy puts in the steak and vegetables, the cheese guy puts the cheez on top and the wrapper wraps things up. You get served withing 3 minutes of ordering. They're open 24/7. They must assemble thousands of sandwiches a day. Where's the love in that? In that respect, what's the difference between Pat's and McDonald's?

Come around here one day and I'll make good on the claim that I can do better. Anybody can do better if they put a little bit of heart into it.