The Worst Movies I've Ever Seen: Part 1

I've probably seen about 4000 movies, which doesn't seem like a lot until you count up all the movies you've seen and realize you haven't seen over 1000. I'm not trying to brag, though. It doesn't matter how many I've seen, at least not in this context. Last night I saw one of the 10 worst movies I've ever seen. Thank you Mr. Roland Emmerich for 10,000 BC.

One day Roland Emmerich must have been sitting around his mansion, having an Emmerich movie marathon, satisfied in his self-perceived genius...and he must have had a moment of inspiration. He looks into the mirror and says to himself "Self? Let's make a movie about a prehistoric tribe!"

And there was rejoicing in the Emmerich house. But Roland looked around and wondered who would write this brilliant movie. He looked again in the mirror and knew he'd found his scribe. But Roland had a problem: the story was too hard! So he got on the phone and called up his friend Harald Kloser and asked him to help. The only problem: Harald Kloser already has a job as composer of the score. So, Roland Emmerich and a film composer wrote this movie.

That may not be enough to deter you. You might not know how hard it is to write a story or a script (very), so here are some more reasons to avoid 10,000 BC.

1. The story is banal. Boy falls in love with girl, girl gets kidnapped, boy goes for revenge. If you want to watch that story, go rent something better than this
   
2. Bad writing.
   
3. I don't know much about prehistory, but I'm pretty sure the continents were still far enough away that going from the tundra to the desert to plains back to Egypt in a DAY is impossible. If not, where is this magical place? Can I go there? On vacation? This is just insulting to my intelligence.
   
4. In one scene, the hero, D'leh has trapped the biggest saber-toothed cat I have ever seen, but...he lets it go. Instead of returning the favor by making a snack of D'leh's dreadlocked head, the tiger bounds out of the trap to go do things that saber-toothed cats do. Later, when faced with a spot of trouble, the cat returns to protect D'leh! ZOMG!!! In real life, wouldn't a cat of this size eat the man? And wouldn't the man try to eat the cat? Come on, Emmerich. Get real.
5. Wooden acting. If I was casting a movie about robots I would call the stars of 10,000 BC and it would be perfect.
6. How is the main tribe so multicultural?
   
7. How do the people keep their beards and hair so perfectly coiffed?
   
8. How do they get from the tundra to Egypt during the building of the Pyramids? Did they open up a stargate? I think both movies were made by Roland Emmerich, so...that's possible, right?

I guess if you can get past all of this, you might enjoy this movie. But I couldn't. It really is awful.